Divorce is like a death, the only difference is, in an actual death, there is a burial. In divorce, you have to still see the person walking around and relive the experiences of that loss over and over .. that is until you are healed. This thought originated from a sermon I heard from Pastor Michael Todd and it is the perfect description of the feelings that are attached to the divorce process.
Its been 2 years since the birth of our son. and we were still separated. He ( my husband at the time) would come and visit. He never missed a birthday for the kids. But the talks of him moving to where were had dwindled. Actually they changes courses. He wanted us to move back. I had no desire to go back to a place that held so much hurt and resentment for me. He didn’t understand that and I didn’t know how to make him.
I had started working ( 🙌🏾) a year after my son was born so I was ready to move out of my moms and into a place just for us, even if it was on the other side of town. There is nothing like having your own space. Don’t get me wrong, my mother helped me tremendously, (when I wasn’t able to help myself), my whole family did; But being able to walk into your own home, and just be, brings another since of sovereignty that is indescribable. It wasn’t my dream home, but it was mine for the time being, and that made me smile. The kids had their own rooms, although my son would find his way to either my room or his sister’s room in the middle of the night. ( 🙄) He was 2 at the time, so I gave him a pass.( 🤷🏽♀️) We were closer to church and church family and would visit my mom for over night visits often. The kids school was near my job at the time so to me everything was looking good.
During the time at out new home, the reality of the state of my relationship with my then husband came crashing in on me. I no longer missed him. I had stopped asking when he was going to move her or come and get us a while ago. It was only a matter of time that what loomed over our heads would become our reality. It was in one of those quit nights that I was wrecked with the thought that, this was it, it was over. I still hadn’t acted on the thought because it was so permanent. How was I going to explain this to my children? More importantly, how could I explain this to God?
My relationship with God had gotten stronger but I was not prepared to take the steps needed to let anyone, outside of my family and a few friends know what I was contemplating. I did pray about it, and I felt peace come as soon as I said Amen. I still didn’t rush into it. I consulted with an attorney. He drafted the documents and submitted them to me for my review and I held on to them. Being a product of divorce made the decision that much more strenuous. ” What are you waiting for,you’ve been separated for three whole years!” “If he wanted you back, he would come and get you.” These were my inner thoughts. I wanted an outward expression of his desire to continue to have me as his wife, not just fancy words. Yes I was making a home in a different start without him but he had an open invitation to come join us. So when he didn’t, as crushing as I felt. I gave my attorney the go ahead and the petition was filed.
Contrary to what some may have thought or still may be thinking, I did love my (then) husband. I just wasn’t happy. A big part of that had nothing to do with him but everything to do with me. I went into out marriage with a broken heart. I never healed from previous hurts and it wasn’t fair to him or me. I just prayed that he understood that, one day.
The day came where I had to go to court, stand before a judge and affirm that there was no hope for a reconciliation. I thought I was good, that was until I got back to my car. I cried like a baby. I was disappointed, I was hurt, and I was hurting for my kids. I was sad that it had come to this. I believed he really did love me the best he know how to at the time. Our children were younger than I was when my parents divorced and they never really had memories where they could recall their father and I being together, living in the same home, being jovial and loving. I can’t bring back to my recollection my parents living together, but I know they were married cause I saw the picture. (lol) And even when they separated my dad would come over during the holidays, not just to pick me up because it was his weekend, but to spend time with us. We couldn’t even give my babies that.
Make no mistake about it, divorce is a process and just like marriage, it has it up and down; for me there were more downs that ups. There was a lot of blame aimed towards me and I accepted it, but I wasn’t going to be the brunt of the frustration that had been built up over the course of it all. I saw what the separation did to him and the divorce only added to it. I pray that he will forgive me one day, as me forgiving myself has started to take form. God forgiving me, well, that has already been established. (John1:9) .
There are tons of scriptures referencing adultery for the grounds for divorce but that was not the case here. There is no biblical justifying my divorce. And that is something I had to pray my way through. The bible talked about being unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14) but there is no expounding conversation that give details on this. I don’t believe my ex-husband’s faith had anything to do with the break down of the marriage. I believe it started when I agreed to be his wife while nursing my wounds from the past. My ex-husband and I recently began to talk as friends and I believe, no I know, that is all because of God.
If you take away anything from my journey to divorce I pray that it is the understanding that in all thing, we must pray. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You don’t have to carry the weight of it alone. If you don’t have anyone close to you whom you feel comfortable enough to talk to you can always talk to me. We are no longer strangers. ( refer to my introduction 😊) We cannot rely on our feelings alone to get us through life altering agreements and decisions. Marriage is a beautiful thing when done right. I have had the pleasure to witness several unions that I’m sure have seen their fair share of disagreements and adversity but those couples are still standing and thriving. I pray that when the day comes for God to release my husband to find me ( yes I said release), that I am ready and healed and whole and prepared. If you are looking , waiting, I pray the same for you. I pray that your love story is yours alone and that with each step you take towards falling in love and finding the love of your life, you allow God to order your steps.
My journey to divorce is over but my journey through singleness, (😱) is just a key stroke away.
Until Next Time,
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