Immmm baaaaackkk! Lol Did ya miss me? There have been tons of life changes that will be revealed as I continue to pour my heart out in this blog. For now, we will stick to this post and the subject at hand. NARCISSIST! I don’t think I’ve ever dealt with one until my most recent relationship. I didn’t know what signs to look out for because I didn’t have an inkling that I needed to. By definition a narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. The traits of a narcissist are as follows: Manipulative, emotionally cold, gaslighting, never take responsibility, controlling, grandiose, just to name a few. True to form, these characteristics did not jump out all at once. They appeared one at a time. In the beginning its always sweet but eventually people let their guards down and show you who they are. It is our responsibility to believe them the first time you see what’s behind the mask, not the 8th or the 12th in my case. It was an unexpected connection, one I later realized had nothing to do about longevity or love but more to do about ego and control. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when this person reached out to me and was consistent. Ya’ll know how I feel about consistency. It was excellent- texts turned to calls, calls turned to facetime and it was a daily occurrence. The face to face dates were planned. The first red flag was actually the first date, he wasn’t as attentive in person and he was on the phone. I chalked it up to him being tired from working or what have you. I never brought it up but I made a mental note. The dates that followed were cool. I found out he wasn’t a very good planner when it came to dates, and you know me I have no problem being romantic and such but it wasn’t reciprocated. I should have known better though. When we initially started talking, I asked him what was the most romantic thing he ever did for someone he was with and he said brought them breakfast ( huh???) that’s romantic? I mean as a woman, a mother, not having to cook, I get it but where was the planning a date and having a chef cook or taking her somewhere to be pampered? There was none of that in his description of romance and being the hopeless romantic that I am, I should have paused and thoroughly thought about this before forging ahead. But I didn’t, I thought “hmm, maybe if I show him my romantic side, the things I thought were romantic, his idea of romance would grown and evolve. (NOPE!)
So we continued to talk and date and one day out the blue he asked me to be his girlfriend. His words were, “you ready to make this official?’ I was surprised as it had only been three months, however he had been watching me on social media for seven months prior to him reaching out to me via my dm.
Cut to several months into the relationship, He started disappearing for weeks at a time, said it was work obligations. I was no longer invested as I once was when this occurred two more time after I expressed to him that I didn’t like it and he assured me it wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t let on about my disposition, but I was losing interest in the relationship. Then his brother’s wedding. We had a disagreement about this because he told me I could come, he wanted me to be there, then he said he needed to confirm it with his brother since they didn’t know me. (again I say huh). Sir, at this point we have been dating for several months and made it official but he had concerns about me coming and since he was in the wedding. I’m not just a random I’m your girlfriend. Again, I let that go. Ended up going and had a good time. His family was soo cool and welcomed me with open arms. They hit us with the hard questions out the gate. Asking him, “so when are ya’ll getting married?” I know we weren’t ready of that yet, but I wanted to see how he handled the pressure. He told them to chill. (good answer)
A week after the wedding was my birthday. Now, those that know me know how I feel about celebrating birthdays. I go hard for people, show up for them and celebrate them daily but their birthdays, those that are close to me, we do big things. The day before my birthday he chooses to start an argument with me and ended up not talking to me at all on my birthday. ( done done and done) The day after my birthday he texted me and we communicated via text only and he told me I hurt his feeling so he didn’t want to talk to me. (sounds a like a little feminine energy but ( shrug)) . He couldn’t even give me an example of how but choose not to elaborate and I later found out he put his phone on airplane mode and was ignoring my text messages. Again, I was done. A few months after his brother’s wedding I had a gala to go to, and naturally, him being my boyfriend, I wanted him to go with me. He did not. Instead of telling me he couldn’t come, he disappeared again. I didn’t want that energy around me anyway, so my sister showed up for me and was my date. He and I didn’t talk for a few months. Then out the blue (narcissistic trait alert) he texted me from a different number. I kinda knew it was him but I wasn’t certain so of course I said, “who is this”. Then he goes on to say he missed me. I said ok. He asked how I’ve been. Told him great. He wasn’t getting a full sentence out of me outside of, “ you didn’t call to shoot the breeze, what’s up?” He said he knew he owed me an apology but he had ( narcissist comment alert) “ a lot of stuff going on with his family and needed some time to think.” I said well I hope things work out for ya’ll. Not once prior to this did he ever express any issues or drama on the horizon or that he had been dealing with, so this is my first time hearing osf such a thing. We talked about everything up until this point. He asked why I was being so cold, I told him “I cannot do the inconsistent thing. I don’t have time for someone who is unsure about me.” He said he was sure he wanted to be with me and would do whatever it took to make it work. I said I don’t believe your words, but I will trust your actions and left it at that. The consistent texting resumed. The calls continued, but something in me still didn’t trust him completely.
Cut to a few months later, we are still talking or whatever. Had a few nice dated here and there. He was being very protective of his phone and taking calls and going to another room, which he never did before. On one call I promise I heard him said “I love you too.” When I asked who he was talking to, he said one of his boys was in the hospital. I asked for a name, he never gave it. My spidey senses where on full alert. I already didn’t trust him completely and I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. This same day, we had planned for him to meet my father. This was not prompted by me, mind you. He asked for this meeting. I was like, “are you sure?” He said he was. From the phone call, to meeting my father, oh that day was so much fun (sarcasm at its finest). He told my dad all the right things, “he had a plan for us, he was prepared to take care of me and my kids, if I didn’t want to work I didn’t have to.” All the things a father wants to here, right. Well after he met my father guess what happened???? He disappeared… again…he sent me a text two weeks later saying, “I know you are upset with me but after meeting your father I had a lot of things to think about. Marriage is a serious thing, its final, you’ve been married before I haven’t, and I’m sure I want to be you but I just have some things to think about.” My nigga (sorry mom) what are you talking about? I didn’t ask you to meet my father, you asked for it. You knew all these things about marriage prior to meeting him. If you didn’t want to do it, you didn’t have to.
The trust was gone, my feeling were changing, and I no longer desired to talk or be around him. But a small part of me still had hope, (go figure) Giving me the bare minimum will never work and making me feel like an inconvenience, nah, I’m good. But I still hoped that by loving him correctly, he would learn to live me properly. ( wrong wrong and wrong) So a little after that was my birthday. We actually had a preplanned trip scheduled. I cancelled it. Told him I canceled it and that was that. I then blocked him. Yea, I unblocked a couple timed but when you block and deleted its final. Or so I thought. ( and apple doesn’t help.. if I block someone on my phone I don’t need message coming through maybe “so and so” i need all my devices to be on once accord) I forgot we were friends on social media. He had deleted one of his social media accounts prior to us breaking up. So he reached out on the one that was still semi active. He would send messages like “I need to talk to you, are you busy.” If I were to say “no” it would take him days to response. The one time we did actually talk I told him he needed to go seek some professional help cause his behavior is not normal. I asked him to leave me alone the second time he asked if I was busy and then sent the same message four days later. ( stop playing with me!!!) So I blocked him on that account. Cut to some 8 months later, he obviously reactived that social media account because I get a message saying, “hey, how you doing?” I looked at my phone dumbfounded. Seriously!!! 8 months of not talking to me and then casually jump into my dm, to check on me?? I responded with “Im great!” and left it at that. He asked me if I could talk ( it was after midnight when he sent the message and I saw the next morning- insert hard eyeroll here). I told him to say what he needed to say. He replied” Id rather see your face when I say it or hear your voice.” He then said he would call me, which he never did. So guess what I did?? Blocked him on that account as well.
Me thinking im done being contacted by him ( silly me), I received a message on Whatspp. An app that I never use and forgot I even had. The one place I forgot to block him. (facepalm). He messaged me, “watsup.” Again I told him to say what he needed to say and then leave me alone. He said he would call me. I didn’t respond. Then he called me, apologized for the way he treated me, said when he looked back over how he treated me he couldn’t believe how immature he was behaving. Said he started going to therapy and didn’t realize he had so many thing buried and that he was learning how to deal with it. I thanked him for his apology. He asked if we could keep in contact. I said, “what would be the purpose of that?” He said just to talk because he didn’t finish giving me details about what’s been going on with him since we last spoke. I said go a head and do it now. He said it was a lot. I said “ok, well I have to go back to work,” (which I did). He asked that I called him later (via the app). I said ok.
Mind you when he reached out via social media, I went to his page and he had deleted all the pictures he had posted and there was a new one. It has received some heart eyes and kissy faces. I was intrigued. Why? Because why are you trying to talk to me and someone else has your attention? I followed the kissy faces and found a page where they were more kissy faces and hearts exchanged. I was like ok, he got a girl so why go through so much trouble trying to talk to me. So later in the day, I message him, “what makes this apology different from the other ones?” He said before he did not know what he was apologizing and that now he knew and was taking full ownership of his actions. He then goes to ask about my family. Hold on sir, we just had one conversation. That does not mean we are friends. I told him as much. I also told him ”it’s going to take a few more consistent communications before we get back to being even the least bit cordial.” I reminded him that he hurt me repeatedly and disappeared. His response was, “I know that’s why lets just talk now, no pressure.” (his exact word) He said he was sorry he took me through that and didn’t realize he was dealing with pass hurt that he kept trapped. (exact words).
The next day, he called, I was busy. I texted. Told him I had a question. He said to ask it. I took a screenshot of his kissy face exchange and sent it to him and asked if she in fact had his attention. He then said he had a question for me. I told him I’d be happy to answer any question her has as soon as he answered mine. This is where he stopped responding. I then said he didn’t have to respond. And that it was ok to say it was none of my business. I then realized I was fooling myself into thinking we could even be cordial. The not responding, the disregard of questions and or my feelings on things was a trigger and it was on full display this day. I messaged him this as well, stating I didn’t trust him and I don’t think we could even be friends. When I sent that message I realized he blocked me on the app. Me sending the screenshot wasn’t to bust him out. I wanted an honest answer and again, he could have said it was none of my business and I wouldn’t have felt any way about it. Maybe he thought I was being intrusive, say that. But to do the very thing you apologized for shows your lack of growth and sincerity.
The more I thought about our exchange the angrier I got. Because again, why go through all this trouble to get messages to me, communicate with me, and then turn around and show me again, you are, well you, unchanged. I had to reach out to a couple people because I was fuming and had some thoughts and ideas that I am not proud of. He took me out of the peace I worked so hard to get to when we broke up. I let it happen so I was more upset with myself for allowing it.
He may very well be in therapy but the entire dialog he gave me about it seemed rehearsed. I pray he does get the help he needs.
My interaction with him showed me to take things at face values. He wasn’t sent by God and God was not going to honor that relationship no matter how many times he visited my church or how many devotionals we did together. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is the same as being in an abusive relationship. It definitely affects your mental. You don’t know the trauma it leaves behind until you are on the other side of it. I didn’t realize how damaging our exchanges were on my mental health until our final exchange. I know it wasn’t me who was the problem because he said so himself and I know I did everything I could to try to make it work, even when I didn’t trust him completely. It was his manipulation, the mind games, and selfishness. He thought spending money on me was impressive. I’m not or have I ever been that type of woman. Quality time is my love language, travel is my love language, neither of which he was willing to give. I learned that when a man wants you, he will do whatever he can to show you and when he doesn’t you will know it and you have to accept it and move on.
Psychological trauma from their abuse will not just go away. In fact, this type of abuse can cause long lasting post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. The abuse from a narcissist is overwhelming. It is hard to identify and sufferers tend to blame themselves and continue to suffer long after the relationship is over (found this on google but it’s facts nevertheless)
Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
- Always Walking On Egg Shells. As a human, you tend to avoid things that remind you of terrible things in the past. …
- Sense of Mistrust. …
- Self-Isolation. …
- Loss of Self Worth. …
- Feeling Lonely. …
- Freezing Up. …
- Trouble Making Decisions. …
- Feeling Like You’ve Done Something Wrong.
I experienced five of these, some I still struggle with. Dating is not a game and we have to be careful with who we align ourselves with. I am booking a therapy session as I type this. I owe it to myself and my future babe to truly heal from this. I won’t allow this to take me back to a place I prayed my way out of. I will use the blog post to remind myself of how strong I have become and that I am in fact a overcomer. Hopeful this will encourage you to take the blinders off and see things for what they are. Still move with grace but keep your eyes open and your heart protected.
Until Next time,
Tel
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