This June would make 4 years of me being divorced. I can honestly say that through the hurt and disappointment of it all I have grown. Unfortunately I have not used the four years wisely in terms of my heart. To avoid the commitment I’ve allowed situation-ships to be my normal until either I was tired of the person and moved on or I got hurt and had no choice but to move on. Either way it was all bad. and now I’m just… TIRED!
I had a moment where I let my guard down and let someone in and it brought me right back to where I started, alone. Nothing wrong with being alone, you get to know yourself and familiarize you with you and what you like and don’t like, what you will and wont, and shouldn’t accept. But it sucks to be in a relationship and still be lonely. I thought I had healed and was ready and he was giving me everything I thought I needed and wanted at the time. ( do you know the enemy knows what we ant as well and he is so slick that he will package it exactly the way that appease to you to through you off and district you ) Everything except for action. I fell for the words and the promises once before and I promised myself I would never do it again but ( le sigh) I found myself right where I promised I’d never be. ( insert song : Cycles by Johnathan Reynolds) This time I wanted the outcome to be different. I communicated my thoughts and issued with the person which was followed by a promise to do better. But better never came.
I was left hurt and heartbroken. Not( solely) because if his actions or lack there of, but because I didn’t pay attention to the red flags. So the disappointment was on my shoulders and my cross to bear. In this instance, it was the lack of openness on his end, the lack of inclusion. I can’t speak for all women, but I like to feel celebrated and appreciated by someone I’m with because after all that’s what I was giving. Not saying he never gave complements but Valentine’s day, nothing, Mother’s Day, not a single acknowledgment. My birthday, we did absolutely nothing, not even a card. I’m big on cards and that was expressed early on and nada… I’m not one of those mothers’s who introduces everyone she dates to her kids and this is the prime example why.
There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Lonely by definition means sad because no one has friends or company. Alone means having no one else present, on one’s own. Both by definition do not describe my current physical or mental state, but honestly that last relationship had me feeling both. I have learned to accept where I am and to continue to grown through the pain that life throws at me ( or the self inflicted injuries- healing in progress) . The scars are reminders that I went through something and I survived. I try my hardest to keep my feelings under lock and key because, well, my previous relationship is exhibit a, it never turns out the way I hoped or expected. I also keep my feelings at bay because I’ve been programmed to be prepared for the worst when it comes to relationships and when the worst happens, it don’t have far to fall because my expectations weren’t high to begin with.
I am no longer harboring this type of thinking. It’s not even a good protective mechanism because at some point, a real one will show up and I wouldn’t know it because my guard would be so strong and so impenetrable that I wouldn’t be able to to see him. For now though, I’m good on all things relationship. I got some wounds that need to heal and I heal better in the solitude of my sanctuary which is the presence of God.
I was certain I asked that the next and last boyfriend go through God to get to me, but I see I need to be more specific. I pray that he also has his foundation built on the word of God and that God is found in him as well. Not just on the surface but all up and through his life and is reflected by the way he talks and treats people.
I was asked what I was looking for and told that I was being to picky when it comes to dating. ( insert blank stare) My response is and will always be, “One can never be too picky when it comes to who you trust with your heart and intend to spend the rest of your life with.” No you don’t start talking or dating someone with the wedding bells in the background. But to avoid wasting your time, you have to have some idea as to whether or not you at least enjoy this persons company and you build from there. But how do you determine this? By going on dates and communicating. The thing about tell people what you are looking for in a mate is those people tend to transform, and mask who they are with who you want them to be. I have no time for imitation boos, or superficial love, I want and deserve the real thing. I’ve told God and I trust Him with it all.
Until Next Time,
Copyright © Transparently Favored 2019
P.S. Sorry for my absence. I have no excuse except, life happens. ( insert shrug) . Can’t say it wont happen again but I’m back now so lets make the best of it.