I don’t take being in my right mind during this time for granted and I will never take those who have support, encouraged, and covered me in prayer during my dark moments, even when they didn’t have the details of what was going on.
My book is a compilation of all my blog post, minus the grammatical errors. (šš) Im so excited to share this labor of love with you all. I’m being as transparent as I possibly can. But my followers here aren’t new to this. I thank you for taking this journey with me and for supporting me as I embark on the unknown. I thank God for His protection and patience with me as I find my way back to Him.
I have a website where you can stay up to date on all things transparently favored. There is a link to purchase the book on the website.
It’s refreshing to have people in your life who have no problem calling you out on your stuff, no sugar, no fluff. It was one of those friends who basically said my smile hasn’t been reaching my eyes for a while and insisted that I, instead of trying to inspire others, find what actually makes me happy and live in that. (thank you friend). One of my sisters reminded me that it’s ok to take a break and give myself some self care. With my kids being gone for the summer all I have is time but I think itās the overwhelming pressure to be strong that has allowed me to call this season, because this won’t last always, what it is.. Depression.
There is so much going on inside me, around me that it all wants to come jumping out at the same time and I have to control it to make it make sense. Putting a title on it, exposing it for what it is; a feeling that is all too familiar, unfavorable, debilitating. My physical is good, my spiritual is being strengthen ( but I couldn’t see it before-well get back to that in a minute) and my mental, Lord, itās all over the place. Distraction by definition is “that which divides attention or prevents concentration.” I literally have all the time into world but still so much is going on I haven’t been able to focus on just one thing. Not back to working a 9-5, yet, still working my side business as well as trying to complete my book by the end of the month. Cultivating new friendships, ( yes, even in a pandemic lol) rekindling old ones, and severing ties ( my God once and for all )with confusion, inconsistency, and unwelcome interferences.
I’m embarking on a milestone birthday and I have never felt so off kilter. Since I haven’t seen the inside of an office building courthouse ( I work in the legal field), or school in about four months, I’ve had tons of time to get used to the silence. Most of my friends and family have gone back to work, or are working from home, and I am here. With all this noise, all this purpose and hope but no outlet for the chaos that seeks to consume me on a regular. Depression may be foreign to a lot of people, but to me it is all too familiar The course of my life is nowhere near what I had envisioned for myself when I was younger. I’d laugh at you if you told me I’d be an almost forty, unemployed, divorced mother of two.
It is that narrative that I intend on breaking today. We have to be careful what we allow to rest on us. What I mean by the is the words we say, what we allow to come out of our mouths, what the enemy want’s us to believe, the mistakes and short comings he wants to amplify, are not who you are. They are apart of what makes you, you. But sis, bro, you are more than a conquer. You are not your failures and the set back is just that. As long as you have breath in your body you still have purpose. You cannot find your purpose in a man or woman, you have to seek God for it ( I’m talking to myself). Being alone has cause me to look at every relationship, every connection, and evaluate. In the evaluation I realized and accepted that some people have just been taking up space, adding no value to me or the relationship we had. Im all about being intensional. Any connection, be it brief or long term, I believe it should be one where the other person has left your presence feeling good, or at least better then when they arrived. You don’t have to know the struggle to be sympathetic. You don’t have to know the details or depth of someone’s hurt to continue to show up and check on your friends, strong or otherwise. As much as I’ve tried to hide behind positive affirmation, empty smiles, and inspiration post, it’s not enough. You can hide from the world but you have to stop running and deal with yourself.
Church was my weekly therapy session. I was actually there several times a week. It was and has been a place where I have been able to seek and find refuge and relief from the torment and anguish I keep buried. To say I have been restless these past few months is an understatement. Restless until the other night that is. Something broke. I believe it was the constant echoing that I wasn’t enough, I was a failure and would never be used by God. I felt myself slipping away. The final straw was when the old familiar darkness rested on me. I felt paralyzed and completely alone. I had been watching YouTube , nothing in particular, the white nose kept me company as I ate dinner. As soon as the first thought popped up, they all came flooding in and I began to drown in the lies that surrounded me. It was at that moment I began to cry. Too tired to fight, I began to get washed away by it. I felt myself sinking. It was at this moment that Steven Furtick’s message entitled” Lonely Places” popped up and he began to speak directly to me and my situation. The tears began to blind me. Little by little, I felt a layer of relief. Then shame for having given myself permission to be in this place. But as soon as the shame hit, a wash of worship took over. Right in my bedroom, I was on my knees, actually on my face, worshiping like I hadn’t done in what felt like forever. I realized I didn’t need to be in the church to feel relief or seek solace. I needed to turn to and hide myself in God.
My pastor has said on countless occasions, since this pandemic, that we are the church and we don’t necessarily have to be in a building to maintain our relationship with God. Yes, God inhabits the praises of His people, but what’s stopping you from praising Him right where you are now? Yes when two of more are gathered, He is in the midst of them. Turn on some worship music, a sermon, or even call a friend. If you can recount the last time you were in a place of despair and desperation, you should also be able to recall how He saved you from yourself and everyone else and is just waiting on you to ask, right now. The enemy wouldn’t be trying so hard to distract you and keep your mind on everything but your relationship with God. He knows the purpose God placed inside of you, He knows it better than you do, which is why he will continue to use old traps, horrible experiences, and memories of the things you’ve already fought your way out of to keep you bound. ( Not Today).
As I continued to worship, things started breaking off of me. I no longer felt hopeless, depressed, or alone. I have no doubt that My God showed up. He reminded me of how good He is just by being present ( whew). I’m reminded of the peace in His presence, the joy and contentment that is lingers after an encounter with him, and how when He shows up, demons have to flee (yup I went there). I know God for myself and I cannot thank Him enough for the countless times He has saved me, from my thoughts, in spite of my actions. ( His grace really is sufficient) The onset and final decent of my depression was gradual. No matter how much life was spoken to my by those who cared or weren’t afraid to let me know they see me regardless of my disposition or the front I kept trying to keep up. If you don’t believe it, believe Him for yourself, there is nothing anyone can say or do to convince you of what or who you are.
I’ve spoken enough about trusting God to not follow my own advise. Something broke, I felt it, I feel it and I thank God for it. My disposition didn’t change overnight. There were a multitude of events that took place in my life, back to back, that caused me to retreat and in return, be consumed. I know it’s an uphill battle and I’m in the fight of my life. After my last few worship experiences, I have made a conscious effort not allow the walls to close in and to talk to those I care about, those who genuinely care about me, about what’s going on internally. The enemy loves to wander in the shadows, just looking and waiting for an opening. My secret is out, and he has been exposed. I’m not ashamed. God has shown me He has me and will continue to keep me as long as I keep Him in the center of EVERYTHING. (even in my disobedience, He has still covered me) He loves me in-spite of my flaws and imperfections ( just as He does you) I know that God is the only reason I’m still here, – also to fulfill my purpose and to tell my story. I won’t allow the darkness and unknown to paralyze me anymore. I have encouraged and supported many and its time for my selfish year to take effect and to start encouraging myself. No more talk, gotta put some action behind this faith, watch me move.
If you see my stumble, which I’m sure I will, ( imperfect person here) instead of shaming me, help me up and pray for me.
There is so much going on. I don’t think I have ever cried so much in my 39 years of existence than I have in the last three months. I went from praise, to mourning; from joy to sadness. A lot of what is going on isn’t just on the surface. Of course I am heartbroken by the abundance of murders of people who look like me at the hands of those who are supposed to protect us. I am deeply sadden by the fact that a lot of people who I thought were people I could trust, did trust, have chosen to remain silent on the matter. Not that I expected a grand stance but at least some form of solidarity. This is also the month my aunt and my grandmother passed, years apart but also days apart, so there is that.
The things that are going on internally, I haven’t been able to put into words until now.
I am a woman.
I am a daughter.
I am a mother.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a girlfriend.
I am black.
I am tired
.
I’m tired of hiding my feeling when it doesn’t meet the temperature of the room. I’m tired of smiling when I really want to cry. Im tired of waiting on someone to see what an asset I am to any job or company I’m apart of. I’m tired being the one who encourages everyone , but when I’m bleeding , and actually send out an sos, no one responses. I cannot, in all honesty, say no one. While I appreciate those who hear me even when I’m silent, ( I love you to no end) I can’t help but notice the ones who don’t even look up when I make a little noise. I don’t make it a habit of opening up to people when I’m going through things, I don’t like to burden them with my problems because I know everyone has there own set of things going on, daily. So it is a big deal when I do open my mouth, not to shout, or to cry, but to talk. Once that is meet with silence, after the sting wears off, I get up, brush myself off and keep going.
I am a christian but I am also human. I don’t have to know these individuals personally to be sad about their deaths. They didn’t deserve it, we don’t deserve it. As each day passes and more news surfaces of repeated scenes, but with different names, that are now etched in my brain, I find it harder and harder to make it all make sense. its 2020 and I never thought I’d be having the same conversations with my children that my grandparents had with my parents. How? Add to that the death of loved one due to the pandemic, due to accidents, due to suicide on top of the grief we already still feel due to the transition of a loved one, unrelated to the current environment… no words…
The climate has definitely shown me who my circle is, but more importantly who I am. It has also cause me to be a little more cautious and a lot more guarded. Not because of a misunderstanding, but because the level of change that is taking place and the amount of uncertainty that has settled around me. I’m uncomfortable. And if we are being honest, borderline depressed. For no other reason than the fact that I have a black father, black son, black boyfriend, and black men that I care about ( period) who are all looked at as threats solely because of the color of their skin. I cannot protect them. I have to train my son on how to control his temper at 8. I have to make sure he develops and maintains a non threatening stance at all times, at 8. Tamir Rice was 12 playing with a toy gun and shot point blank in the abdomen, without warning. I have been effected deeply by the repeated scene of a black man or woman being killed. And it’s terrifying.
I sought solace in the distractions of small social distancing gatherings, it didn’t work. I thought engulfing myself in redecorating would help, It didn’t. I picked the best time to become an entrepreneur, because all I have is time. So my book is definitely in the works. I plan to be done with it before the end of August, strike that July ( pray my strength and hold me accountable) My kids are with their dad for the summer so now is as perfect time as any to grieve, process, and to pray. Writing has always been therapeutic for me and I pray this time is no different. I’m not opposed to therapy, I actually think I will do some research and find one here, but for now, she will write. As a matter of fact, let me go re-read some of my previous post for a bit of encouragement cause baby, I’m tapped out.
My goal is to be happy without a vice or a condition. Remember, I am a behind the scenes woman and prefer to let my work speak for itself.
no fluff, just me.
Just because a smile is there doesn’t mean there is joy. Please continue to check on your strong friends, family, co-workers, and associates. I’m all talked out at this point, but I welcome any suggestions between my now and my happy place. (Text me though, lol) The work has already begun. The support, be it public or private is acknowledged and appreciated. I’m tired of being tired so whatever needs to happen to get from under this paralysis, I’m ready.
Motherās Day was a week ago and I havenāt been able to get those who have lost a mother or a child out of my thoughts. Sometimes we tend to take for granted the very presence of our mothers. The words or advice, the wisdom that mothers instills in us, in some instances, fall on deaf ears. It’s not until we find ourselves in situations where we are reminded of the very thing our mothers may say in passing or during a discussion. The peace she brings you by a simple hug cannot be measured. I pray the healing continues and the pain lessens as each day passes. I’m always praying for those who have suffered such a heart wrenching loss. Be it this year, last year, or many years ago, the space in your heart that was once occupied by the person you lost is never really filled. But you don’t need me to tell you, as your own experiences aren’t far from you. There remains an ache that I am familiar with. I’m sometimes caught off guard, driving, or sitting and a memory or a thought encompasses me and I’m instantly in tears. While so many people I know are dealing with the loss of loved ones, especially children and mothers, my heart remains heavy but also full of appreciate for my own mother and the women in my life who are mother figures.
I lost both my grandmothers but my parents lost their moms. Friends and family have lost family members and friends and no amount of words or condolences can take that pain away. Which makes the time we have in the presence of our loved ones so invaluable. It’s so important to recognize the people in your life now, and give them their flowers while you still can. This pandemic is reminding me/us that life is short and to honor and celebrate people we love and hold dear while we can, especially our mothers. You only get one, and if you are blessed like I am, you have some women who have accepted and love you as if they birthed you themselves. #HonorThemToo I want to thank my friends for sharing their moms with me. (sharing is caring š„°) To be loved by someone outside of your family as if you always belonged to theirs, is definitely a blessing.
A mothers love cannot be compared. It fuel you, drives you to be great. Its comforting, healing, and sometimes demanding. It demands you to be better, encourages you to keep going, and drives you towards success. A lot of people don’t have the same experience as I have. But I pray that the love of a mother ( mother figure) rest upon you soon and very soon. I had an aunt who was admitted in the hospital for a procedure. My cousin and my aunt were not on the best of terms, before they had a chance to make amends, she was gone, due to something going wrong during the procedure. While we were all devastated, he was/is left with regret and the weight of it all follows him around to this day.
I was raised by a single mom. #Dirovced and I think she did one heck of a job ( if I do say so myself). I wanna retire my mom one day and have a house built specifically for her. Its not solely because she is my mother but because she deserves it. Outside of her giving me life, she has shown me what true strength and resilience is. She taught me never to hold grudges and to always pray, regardless of how I feel. She taught how to turn my mistakes into testimonies. I pray I’m half the mother to my children she has been to me. My grandmother was her example and she is mine. I didn’t have to share my mom with a sibling ( no only child syndrome over here lol) but I have accepted that my friends and some family also love her as if she was their own. #SoGrateful
Remember to cherish each day moving forward. Forgive yourself if you found yourself in a situation where some things were said that shouldnāt have been or you didnāt get to tell them you loved them one last time. They knew, trust me and they forgave way before the thought entered your mind.
Being happy will not dishonor those that we have lost. If anything, you know in your heart of hearts, they would want you to enjoy your life and the people in it.
With everything that has been going on, getting adjusted to the “new normal” has been uncomfortable, for lack of a better word. This quarantine has been a jarring reminder to love on those who are near ( or far in distance) to you. I won’t get into the political aspect of it all. Definitely not trying to open the floor to those conversations here. I would however pose this question, How do you reconcile the death of a normally healthy loved one? How do you comfort someone who has loss there husband, wife, mother, father, or even child? I have found myself trying to find the right thing to say. My best answer has been āGod knows.ā
Iām a christian and my faith is definitely in God. No buts about it. However, I cannot find the right thing to say when I get a call that someone has lost their child, their child who hasn’t reached puberty, their child who recently graduated from kindergarten. How do you console someone who question the very presence of God because their grief is so strong. How?? When grief is fresh, you don’t want to hear “it’s going to be ok.” You don’t want to be remind of all the good that God has done because the pain you are experiencing in this moment is blinding. How do you comfort those who are drowning in the depth of their loss?
I have some friends who aren’t christian. They indulge me when I speak of God’s goodness. We have friendly discussions regarding God and why He allows things to happen, more specifically, why he allows them to happen to good people. Even in those conversation, me saying I don’t know why but I know who, wasn’t enough for them. And to me, it wasn’t an answer, but what I’ve been groomed and trained to say. I have seen miracles happen in person. I’ve seen God bring someone back to life. I’ve seen God take the under-qualified and give them the best paying job in the building. I’ve seen Him heal, restore, and provide. But how do you tell someone who has experienced tremendous loss in such a short time, to keep the faith, to keep going, and better days are coming? It is because of his mercies we are not consumed, it is because of his compassion we fail not. ( Lamentations 3:22) Because of who I know God to be from my own experience, having gone through my own grief, I know that He is able. God is well able to keep you from falling and will bring you with great joy into the glorious presence…( Jude1:24). It is not just my testimony that keep me sane and remind me of His goodness while faced with sadness and loss. It is also the testimony of my family and friends.
I have no doubt that God knows what He is doing. We have to stretch our faith, now more than ever, and trust God! My last day at work was March 19th. But God has made sure that I am taken care of. All my bills are still paid, my family hasn’t missed a meal and I have still been able to pay my tithes. I know first hand what this virus can do, my son had it before we could put a name on it. He had the fever ( 103.7) , no appetite, chills while burning up, and tested negative for the actual flu. But he is healed. Iāve talked to people who have made a complete recovery from it. Yes we have lost a lot during this pandemic, we cannot afford to lose our faith. Itās honestly the only thing keeping me from loosing my mind. ( you stay in the house with two children who feel like they should eat every hour on the hour and tell me if you sanity isn’t hanging on by a thread lol)
The word “consider” is translated from the word “reckon” which appears in the KJV of this scripture. Reckon by definition means consider or regard in a specific way.
Iām praying that while we try to reconcile everything thatās happening we continue to trust God and lean more on Him than what we see or feel. (Proverbs 3:5)
Well, here we are. Its going on week two for me where I have been forced to stay inside and be confined by the four walls of my bedroom, in my house, for hours on end. This is not how I envisioned spring to go, but here we are nevertheless.
I am an introvert at heart so being inside away from the people ( yes, I meant to say “the people” ) is well within my comfort zone. Im a hugger so that part of it all is driving me nuts, I can’t even give a good ole squeeze to my kids as they don’t appreciate them as much as my friends ( lol) But being forced to stay inside puts a different type of restriction on, well life.
Instead of allowing the uncertainty of what’s going on around me to bring me down, I’ve made the decision to nurture what’s inside me in hopes to help and heal not just those who are closest to me but to reach out to those who may find discomfort, be anxious, or even close to depression during this time. Someone I know and love in hospitalized with the virus that has taken this country by storm. I have people I care deeply about who are considered essential workers who are in the thick of it and could be exposed to this virus every day. Michigan has over five thousand cases and over one hundred and thirty deaths. While this saddens me I have to continue to focus on the good and on God.
I would be lying if I were to say I haven’t had a moment or two where my doubt was louder than my faith. But when I look at my children I’m reminded of the grace of God; when I see my mother and so many others who’s testimonies have resonated with me, reassured me and are complete and total evidence of who God is and what He is capable of, I am reminded of His Mercy. ( They are new, EVERY morning..Lamentations 3:23)
The love of my family. The text and emails from friends and family near and far. It’s the support of them who love me that keep me going and help keep me sane during all of this. While fear is hovering, my faith is firmly planted in what I know to be true about the God I serve. ( Deuteronomy 31:8)
While we are in this place we have to remember that this is temporary and we cannot allow what we see to make us forget what He said. ” Romans 8:13- For I consider the suffering of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”
Trust Him with the uneasiness, with the worry ,and with your fears right now. Between the news, the full hospitals, and the empty shelves in the grocery stores, you gotta know God has us all covered. That is a hard pill to swallow when the death toll continues to rise and people continue to lose family members. But know God will take care of you, even know, especially now. While in this place, continue to hold on to the truth in this verse, ” God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalms 46:1
This has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written.
Many years ago I was molested by a family member. ( Yes lets just rip that band aid off). A few weeks ago I came face to face with this person and complete froze in fear. I told my mother about the incident after I had my daughter. I was so young and it was such a heavy burden to carry for such a long time. After I told her I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t have any expectations of retribution when I shared this with my mom, I was just happy to not have to carry this load alone. There was a second family member who molested me while I was in the care of my grandmother for the summer when I was eleven. I didn’t have to hide that something was wrong when I returned home to my mother. As soon as I hit the door, she felt something was wrong and questioned me about it. Even though I felt ashamed, I shared with her all the details of what I endured. My mom assured me that I would never have to see this person again and I haven’t but there were still some triggers that took place after the revelation. From a song to someone on TV resembling the person, the memory of it never left me. I thought sharing these things with my mother was enough. I buried what took place in both incidents and they were all but hidden until I came face to face with my predictor a few weeks ago.
“Hey Cousin,” was how he greeted me. With no shame or regard for what my reaction would be. As soon as I heard his voice I was taken back to the moment when it all happened. I was a terrified little girl again. I don’t believe he forgot, I believe he was testing the waters to see if I remembered and what my reaction would be. I don’t remember what I said but I know I never looked up at him. My feet felt like they were encased in cement. My heart was racing and I felt light headed. I didn’t know if I should scream or run or both. I just sat there, with my kids, frozen. My mother and other family members were present. I later learned my mother watch the entire interaction from across the room ( cause of course he approached me when my mom was not in arms reach of me) and gauged from my body language what her response should be. She approached and as she approached he walked away. I cannot fathom why but I know it was by the grace of God that I was able to remain in the room after all was said and done that day.
The enemy thrives in secret and looks to dwell in the shadows of our fears. I’m sharing this because I know it needs to be exposed. I don’t expect there to be justice as the world defines it. I no longer want to be in fear of exposing what happened to me. I was a child, they were monsters. Forgiveness is imminent but I never want to see these people again.
I refused to allow what happened to me happen to my children which is why I’m so protective. I keep the lines of communication open and make sure they aren’t afraid to tell me anything, regardless of how they think it will make me feel. I’m sharing this in hopes to once and for all heal from the damage it has done. This secret debilitated me. And I rebuke any dark thought, idea, or notion that may have developed as a result of what happened to me. I’m not as strong as I thought I was but I’m well on my way and I want to help a few people get there through my transparency. If you can relate on any level, I pray you find the strength, the courage to tell someone. Its not easy but its necessary.
I’m currently seeking help from a psychologist because prayer alone won’t silence the memories. I’m no longer afraid to expose the wrong that has been done to me. I will tell anyone who will listen. Because the wrong that was done to me, since it has surfaced, will not undo all that God has brought me through. I survived, and I am currently surviving. Healing from things no one will or has ever apologized for takes strength and I pray you find it and move forward. Don’t allow the things that have happen to you keep you from experiencing life on a profound level. You are not alone, I’m taking this journey with you. We got this!
Aināt no revolving doors round here. If you are gone, stay gone. āš¾
Sorry to start the first blog of the year so harsh but itās real, transparent, and well, me!
God is a God of second chances but Iām not!!! Let me elaborate. I had to cut some people off who were on their fifty-eleventh chance. š¤¦š¾āāļø Enough is freaking enough. Iāve been restored as if your existence never happened. While I have retained the lesson, Iām no longer interested in a repeated cycle resulting in me being extremely exasperated and questioning my own voice. This goes for family members as well. If you canāt own your fault in anything and refuse to accept responsibility for your actions, Iām sorry love, but I have nothing but prayers for you. š¤·š½āāļø
As I get older, the less I care about what others think, and the more I seek peace in any environment that I allow myself to be in. If there is no peace and my discernment picks up on the negative vibe radiating from someone, I have no problem removing myself from the situation. I’ve worked too hard on myself to allow others to project their insecurities, assumptions, or doubt on me. I’ve also went through a lot to heal my heart from trauma caused by the representatives that were sent in place of the real person who I desired to get to know and form a bond/relationship with. I’m good on all the fakes and inconsistent people, give me real, all the time or:
Itās a new decade a new season if you will. And you can bet your sweet fanny Iām going to be moving differently especially since I want different. Iāve been the supportive friend, who was not supported in return. Iāve been the girlfriend who waited for the boyfriend to do right and still ended up alone in a relationship. Iāve been looked down, looked over, and cast aside. Been talked about by people who promised to have my back and said they cared. š£š£š£No more.
2020 is my selfish year. I intend on continuing to show up for those I love and care about. My heart is still big and receptive to authentic love. But Iām not interested in non reciprocal relationships on any level. I know what some of you may be thinking and yes, Iām still saved and commitment to living a life pleasing to God, however I am no longer blinded by words and Iām more impressed with actions and consistency.
God never intend for his people to be used and discarded.
Putting my faith into action and using the God given wisdom Heās given mean to propel myself into the best me possible. Iāve dealt with me ( itās actually an on going thing) and Iām done trying to fix them. Iāll point you to God and keep it pushing. Absolutely no hard feels, negative thoughts, or hidden devious intentions. If I plan to retire in the next twenty years, make sure my mom is set, and my kids are prepared financially, spiritually, and physically, and Iām blooming and prospering I cannot hold on to anything negative.
When you ignore your beliefs and standards to make someone else comfortable you are not being true to yourself. And donāt get me started on the physical aspect of it all. By now Iām sure you all are aware of what a soul tie is…
The Power of Soul Ties. … Whether you’re a religious person or not, soul ties is a theory that canbe explained and understood by anyone. It’s the idea that certain actions can connect you to a person and cause you to bond in a way that is not easily broken. Typically, soul ties are said to come from sex.
We are all adults here right? Let me just be real, transparent if you will, for a moment. Sexual sin is the most strongest hold Iāve dealt with in my adult life. I know sex wonāt save a marriage and Iām aware that sex cannot fix an already broken relationship. We as women have to protect what was meant to be shared with our husbands. We cannot keep giving it away to people who were never deserving of it. Yes, sex is natural or at least it should be, but itās not something you just give to prove you like someone. We arenāt built to create bonds with everyone we date. We give so much already, that part of you should be non-negotiable, not even an option until marriage.
Iām not having a soap box moment Iām just giving you first hand knowledge that binding your soul with another, who is not your husband or wife, can cause more harm that good. You are tethering whatever spirits they have to yours. Not knowing their faith stance or position can and will wreck havoc on you. I know a lot of people who will lay down with anything and anyone. To some itās like a game. But itās not worth it sis. Once your feelings are involved is tough to remove yourself from that situation even when you know that situation isnāt going anywhere and itās not where you wanna be. And then you wanna add your body which makes this even harder because not just words and feels are intertwined but souls.
I was at a womenās retreat one year and the speaker was all up and through my business. To the point where it was just her and I and she was reading me like a book. I had never met this woman before and she didnāt know me or anything about me. But the Holy Ghost gave her insight and the words to speak to the very thing I was dealing with. I had began to throw up. Empty stomach and a hot room filled with praying women didnāt help. š„“ The evangelist began to say I was throwing up soul ties. Now to me, that seemed a bit extreme but metaphorically, it made sense. However, the physical act that was taking place didnāt preceed the spiritual one that had already transpired.
I had gone though a break up and I was devastated. I had tried to bury the hurt and hide the pain by quickly getting into another relationship. Only to be hurt again. I contemplated suicide. I felt something had to be wrong with me. Why wasnāt my love enough to keep them? I gave all I thought I had to give. But it was that night at the retreat that I realized I was giving my all to the wrong people.
( your value isnāt determined by someone elseās inability to see it)
We see with our natural eyes but God seeās peopleās hearts and knows their intentions. God was protecting me even though it felt vastly different from protection, He kept me and saved me from myself. He reminded me that I am loved in-spite if my failures and mistakes and I cannot allow someone who failed to see the blessing it is to have me in their life to make me question my very existence ( yeah it was deep)
This is not the direction I intended this post to go but since we are here…
Lol
So media and even regular tv has sexualized just about everything. Even a dog gone commercial for food has sexual undertones which makes no since to me. The older I get the more control I have over my being. Not saying mistakes havenāt been made. Iāve definitely entrusted the wrong people with parts of me that I wish I could get back. I cannot blame them for taking it when it was so careless placed on their care. But instead of repeating the same mistakes I choose to learn the lesson this time. Remembering the moments, good, bad, or indifferent allows me to see just how far removed I actually am from any connection to the behavior, the people, the thing that tried to break me.
The desire to be loved and appreciated by one man has been strong. But the ability to love and value myself has emerged out of the ashes of self destruction. I could blame this self discovery phase on the hurt I allowed, repeatedly from those I sincerely cared about but that wouldnāt be the truth. The truth is I knew who they were before and it was only after that I allowed myself to see them on their truest form.
I knew those connections would never lead to marriage. I was fooling myself into thinking I had enough salvation for the both of us. š¤¦š¾āāļø The attention was good when it was given, but the connection was always lacking something. It was lacking God!
I desire and deserve a man who can pray. Not just the prayers in the Bible but from his heart. I think a praying man is sexy. A man who isnāt ashamed to worship with you is
Fanning myself lol
Iāve stopped looking for a man. Havenāt been looking for a few years now. I started chasing God. After a good amount of repentance and loathing, cause again- sexual sin adds more guilty than anything to your already overloaded thoughts of shame and disappointment. It could just be me who went through these stages after fornication, but itās heavy and Iām avoiding it at all cost.
The flesh needs to be under subjection daily. Which is why it is so important to make sure you cover yourself prior to getting out of the bed. You want to ensure that anything the enemy throws at you wonāt stick because youāve prayed and you are covered. Your family is covered, your friends are covers.
I have learned that you canāt be everything to everyone and no matter how much potential or how many years you invested into a relationship, until you see that person for who and what they truly are, you will continue to sink and be burden by the facade of deception that you refuse to accept.
This song by Jonathan McReynolds has been my anthem for 2019. Iāve had to sever some ties to people who were only place holders and counterfeits for what I actually wanted and deserved. I held on for too long and the scars I have now, are reminders to let go and allow God the room He needs to answer my prayers according to His timing.
This post was unexpected and took several turns but I pray you get the underlying sincere sentiment.
Make room for God! Allow Him to align you with your forever. Forever friend, forever peace, forever joy, forever love.
Lyrics to Make Room
I find space for what I treasure I make time for what I want I choose my priorities and Jesus you’re my number oneSo I will make room for you I will prepare for two So you don’t feel that you Can’t live here, please live in meI find space for what I treasure I make time for what I want I choose my priorities and Jesus you’re my number one Yes Jesus you’re my numberSo I will make room for you I will prepare for two So you don’t feel that you Can’t live here, please live in meI will make room for you I will prepare for two So you don’t feel that you Can’t live here, please live in meI will make room for you I will prepare for two So you don’t feel that you Can’t live here, please live in meLive in me yeah Please live in me God I will make room for youMy will (you can move that over) My way (you can move that over) My ego (you can move that over) My plans (you can move that over) My schedule (you can move that over) My itinerary (you can move that over) See I, I will make room for youMy habits (you can move that over) My attitude (you can move that over) Whatever it is (you can move that over) That’s not like you (you can move that over) Whatever it is (you can move that over) You can move it over (you can move that over) Oh see I will make room yeaWhatever it is (you can move that over) That’s in your way (you can move that over) Whatever it is (you can move that over) If it takes your space (you can move that over) See whatever it is (you can move that over) Oh I don’t want it there (you can move that over) Oh see I will make roomI wanna seek you first (you can move that over) Get the odd things out the way (you can move that over) I wanna seek you first (you can move that over) Move it all out the way (you can move that over) See whatever it is (you can move that over) Lord I just want you (you can move that over) Oh so I will make room yeaSee whatever it is (you can move that over) You can move it all (you can move that over) Please just move it all (you can move that over) Help me move it all (you can move that over) Jesus I (you can move that over) I just want you know (you can move that over) That I will make roomI find space for what I treasure I make time for what I want I choose my priorities and Jesus you’re my number one
Itās the time of year where people start making resolutions to workout, eat better, save more and so on and so forth. I take no issue with this but why wait until the new year when you can start now? Imagine what you can accomplish if you got a jump start on your goals? Youād be ahead of the game.
It is also the time of year where you reflect over the accomplishments youāve made in the past 12 months, good and bad. You are also reminded of the setbacks and mistakes, the failures and the disappointments. Overall, there should have been some growing, pruning, and shedding taking place. Regardless of the path and what pit stops you made along the way, your journey was your to take and the experiences you had are priceless.
I have had some major losses this decade. From divorce, to job loss, to repossessions, to relationships ending, to major deaths- you name it, Iāve felt it. Some of the losses I endured I thought would take me out ( but God). If anything Iāve learned just how strong I am. But with the losses come my appreciation for the room that has been made for me to grow, mature, and heal. Itās weird that self actualization comes after something bad happens. As I sit and write this Iām still grieving the deaths of several family members but the sting isnāt as strong as before. Sometimes the loss of something causes you to grown up and appreciate the absence. And other times it just continues to knock the wind out of you until you are able to maintain your balance with the memory of what or who is no longer there. It can be a double edge sword. I prefer not to look at endings as losses at all. Some relationships have expiration dates; some behaviors you should outgrow, and some encounters are simply to remain fleeting. Retain the memories and benefit from the lessons.
That relationship that ended, the one you thought would result in wedding bells, didnāt break you! The repossession, didnāt break you! It may have brought you to your knees but it didnāt break you! That career change that you were so nervous about, that was rocky in the beginning but God, as He always does, made ways for you and continued to supply your needs during the times you were hidden- didnāt break you!!
Take stock of those who are still standing after the war in you has ended. Acknowledge those who didn’t waiver, even when your faith did. Keep those who continued to check on you, when your grief caused you to be absence and speechless. The ones that prayed for you without you knowing, but you felt it, those are the ones I’m taking with me into the next decade. Those euphoric moments I’ve shard with people who are no longer in my life, who are no longer accessible to me, I will keep in my heart forever. But the people that have continued to lift me up and without question, checked me in love, ain’t going no where. Knowing just as hard as they rock with me, I go even harder for them. Don’t take my word for it, they can tell you themselves. Reciprocity is key!
Every horrible thing that you faced, every negative thought or emotion you experienced has brought you to this very moment! The moment where you realize that you have survived things that would have destroyed the average person. You realize that you are far from average, right?! Your testimony was being built! Your failures, or what you view as failures, have positioned you to enter what may very well be the best year of your life.
You want a new job, start looking now! Yow want to buy a house, start saving now! You want to be healthier, start doing the necessary things to start that healthier lifestyle now! You want to settle down, start healing now! You want to go on a vacation, start planning now! You want to be a better person, start now! Don’t let your shortcomings and mistakes keep you from living your best life. God had your imperfections in mind when He created you. His pursuit of your will never waiver. He will remain faithful to His word despite our efforts to self sabotage with doubt and self condemnation.
Your best life is whatever gets you closer to an answered prayer; your heart desires, and whatever brings you joy. Start living that out now!!! Spending time with those who bring out the best in you and encourage you to go harder and to be better is definitely a key component. There is no time like the present. Your now is on the other side of your consistency. You have to be willing to put in the work. The question is how bad do you want it?
Those life experiences, those things didn’t happen to you for you wallow in the rejection and allow the devastation to engulf you. ( No ma’am no sir) Those things happened to you to build your faith. Trust God with your next and prepare for it now. Don’t let you be the only thing preventing you from moving forward and starting… NOW!!!
I have great expectation that God is going to blow my mind in the coming weeks, months, and years so I’m going to thank Him in advance and continue to prepare for what I’ve been praying for.
