Surviving A Narcissist

Immmm baaaaackkk! Lol Did ya miss me? There have been tons of life changes that will be revealed as I continue to pour my heart out in this blog. For now, we will stick to this post and the subject at hand. NARCISSIST! I don’t think I’ve ever dealt with one until my most recent relationship. I didn’t know what signs to look out for because I didn’t have an inkling that I needed to. By definition a narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. The traits of a narcissist are as follows: Manipulative, emotionally cold, gaslighting, never take responsibility, controlling, grandiose, just to name a few. True to form, these characteristics did not jump out all at once. They appeared one at a time. In the beginning its always sweet but eventually people let their guards down and show you who they are. It is our responsibility to believe them the first time you see what’s behind the mask, not the 8th or the 12th in my case. It was an unexpected connection, one I later realized had nothing to do about longevity or love but more to do about ego and control. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when this person reached out to me and was consistent. Ya’ll know how I feel about consistency. It was excellent- texts turned to calls, calls turned to facetime and it was a daily occurrence. The face to face dates were planned. The first red flag was actually the first date, he wasn’t as attentive in person and he was on the phone. I chalked it up to him being tired from working or what have you. I never brought it up but I made a mental note. The dates that followed were cool. I found out he wasn’t a very good planner when it came to dates, and you know me I have no problem being romantic and such but it wasn’t reciprocated. I should have known better though. When we initially started talking, I asked him what was the most romantic thing he ever did for someone he was with and he said brought them breakfast ( huh???) that’s romantic? I mean as a woman, a mother, not having to cook, I get it but where was the planning a date and having a chef cook or taking her somewhere to be pampered? There was none of that in his description of romance and being the hopeless romantic that I am, I should have paused and thoroughly thought about this before forging ahead. But I didn’t, I thought “hmm, maybe if I show him my romantic side, the things I thought were romantic, his idea of romance would grown and evolve. (NOPE!)

So we continued to talk and date and one day out the blue he asked me to be his girlfriend. His words were, “you ready to make this official?’ I was surprised as it had only been three months, however he had been watching me on social media for seven months prior to him reaching out to me via my dm.

Cut to several months into the relationship, He started disappearing for weeks at a time, said it was work obligations. I was no longer invested as I once was when this occurred two more time after I expressed to him that I didn’t like it and he assured me it wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t let on about my disposition, but I was losing interest in the relationship. Then his brother’s wedding. We had a disagreement about this because he told me I could come, he wanted me to be there, then he said he needed to confirm it with his brother since they didn’t know me. (again I say huh). Sir, at this point we have been dating for several months and made it official but he had concerns about me coming and since he was in the wedding. I’m not just a random I’m your girlfriend. Again,  I let that go. Ended up going and had a good time. His family was soo cool and welcomed me with open arms. They hit us with the hard questions out the gate. Asking him, “so when are ya’ll getting married?”  I know we weren’t ready of that yet, but I wanted to see how he handled the pressure. He told them to chill. (good answer)

A week after the wedding was my birthday. Now, those that know me know how I feel about celebrating birthdays. I go hard for people, show up for them and celebrate them daily but their birthdays, those that are close to me, we do big things. The day before my birthday he chooses to start an argument with me and ended up not talking to me at all on my birthday. ( done done and done) The day after my birthday he texted me and we communicated via text only and he told me I hurt his feeling so he didn’t want to talk to me. (sounds a like a little feminine energy but ( shrug)) . He couldn’t even give me an example of how but choose not to elaborate and I later found out he put his phone on airplane mode and was ignoring my text messages. Again, I was done. A few months after his brother’s wedding I had a gala to go to, and naturally, him being my boyfriend, I wanted him to go with me. He did not. Instead of telling me he couldn’t come, he disappeared again. I didn’t want that energy around me anyway, so my sister showed up for me and was my date. He and I didn’t talk for a few months. Then out the blue (narcissistic trait alert) he texted me from a different number. I kinda knew it was him but I wasn’t certain so of course I said, “who is this”. Then he goes on to say he missed me. I said ok. He asked how I’ve been. Told him great. He wasn’t getting a full sentence out of me outside of, “ you didn’t call to shoot the breeze, what’s up?” He said he knew he owed me an apology but he had ( narcissist comment alert) “ a lot of stuff going on with his family and needed some time to think.” I said well I hope things work out for ya’ll. Not once prior to this did he ever express any issues or drama on the horizon or that he had been dealing with, so this is my first time hearing osf such a thing. We talked about everything up until this point. He asked why I was being so cold, I told him “I cannot do the inconsistent thing. I don’t have time for someone who is unsure about me.” He said he was sure he wanted to be with me and would do whatever it took to make it work. I said I don’t believe your words, but I will trust your actions and left it at that. The consistent texting resumed. The calls continued, but something in me still didn’t trust him completely.

Cut to a few months later, we are still talking or whatever. Had a few nice dated here and there. He was being very protective of his phone and taking calls and going to another room, which he never did before. On one call I promise I heard him said “I love you too.” When I asked who he was talking to, he said one of his boys was in the hospital. I asked for a name, he never gave it. My spidey senses where on full alert. I already didn’t trust him completely and I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  This same day, we had planned for him to meet my father. This was not prompted by me, mind you. He asked for this meeting. I was like, “are you sure?” He said he was. From the phone call, to meeting my father, oh that day was so much fun (sarcasm at its finest). He told my dad all the right things, “he had a plan for us, he was prepared to take care of me and my kids, if I didn’t want to work I didn’t have to.”  All the things a father wants to here, right. Well after he met my father guess what happened???? He disappeared… again…he sent me a text two weeks later saying, “I know you are upset with me but after meeting your father I had a lot of things to think about. Marriage is a serious thing, its final, you’ve been married before I haven’t, and I’m sure I want to be you but I just have some things to think about.” My nigga (sorry mom) what are you talking about? I didn’t ask you to meet my father, you asked for it. You knew all these things about marriage prior to meeting him. If you didn’t want to do it, you didn’t have to.              

The trust was gone, my feeling were changing, and I no longer desired to talk or be around him. But a small part of me still had hope, (go figure) Giving me the bare minimum will never work and making me feel like an inconvenience, nah, I’m good. But I still hoped that by loving him correctly, he would learn to live me properly. ( wrong wrong and wrong) So a little after that was my birthday. We actually had a preplanned trip scheduled. I cancelled it. Told him I canceled it and that was that. I then blocked him. Yea, I unblocked a couple timed but when you block and deleted its final. Or so I thought. ( and apple doesn’t help.. if I block someone on my phone I don’t need message coming through maybe “so and so” i need all my devices to be on once accord) I forgot we were friends on social media. He had deleted one of his social media accounts prior to us breaking up. So he reached out on the one that was still semi active. He would send messages like “I need to talk to you, are you busy.” If I were to say “no” it would take him days to response. The one time we did actually talk I told him he needed to go seek some professional help cause his behavior is not normal. I asked him to leave me alone the second time he asked if I was busy and then sent the same message four days later. ( stop playing with me!!!) So I blocked him on that account. Cut to some 8 months later, he obviously reactived that social media account because I get a message saying, “hey, how you doing?” I looked at my phone dumbfounded. Seriously!!! 8 months of not talking to me and then casually jump into my dm, to check on me?? I responded with “Im great!” and left it at that. He asked me if I could talk ( it was after midnight when he sent the message and I saw the next morning- insert hard eyeroll here). I told him to say what he needed to say. He replied” Id rather see your face when I say it or hear your voice.” He then said he would call me, which he never did. So guess what I did?? Blocked him on that account as well.

Me thinking im done being contacted by him ( silly me), I received a message on Whatspp. An app that I never use and forgot I even had. The one place I forgot to block him. (facepalm). He messaged me, “watsup.” Again I told him to say what he needed to say and then leave me alone. He said he would call me. I didn’t respond. Then he called me, apologized for the way he treated me, said when he looked back over how he treated me he couldn’t believe how immature he was behaving. Said he started going to therapy and didn’t realize he had so many thing buried and that he was learning how to deal with it.  I thanked him for his apology. He asked if we could keep in contact. I said, “what would be the purpose of that?” He said just to talk because he didn’t finish giving me details about what’s been going on with him since we last spoke. I said go a head and do it now. He said it was a lot. I said “ok, well I have to go back to work,” (which I did). He asked that I called him later (via the app). I said ok.

Mind you when he reached out via social media, I went to his page and he had deleted all the pictures he had posted and there was a new one. It has received some heart eyes and kissy faces. I was intrigued. Why? Because why are you trying to talk to me and someone else has your attention? I followed the kissy faces and found a page where they were more kissy faces and hearts exchanged. I was like ok, he got a girl so why go through so much trouble trying to talk to me. So later in the day, I message him, “what makes this apology different from the other ones?” He said before he did not know what he was apologizing and that now he knew and was taking full ownership of his actions. He then goes to ask about my family. Hold on sir, we just had one conversation. That does not mean we are friends. I told him as much. I also told him ”it’s going to take a few more consistent communications before we get back to being even the least bit cordial.” I reminded him that he hurt me repeatedly and disappeared. His response was, “I know that’s why lets just talk now, no pressure.” (his exact word)  He said he was sorry he took me through that and didn’t realize he was dealing with pass hurt that he kept trapped. (exact words).

The next day, he called, I was busy. I texted. Told him I had a question. He said to ask it. I took a screenshot of his kissy face exchange and sent it to him and asked if she in fact had his attention. He then said he had a question for me. I told him I’d be happy to answer any question her has as soon as he answered mine. This is where he stopped responding. I then said he didn’t have to respond. And that it was ok to say it was none of my business. I then realized I was fooling myself into thinking we could even be cordial. The not responding, the disregard of questions and or my feelings on things was a trigger and it was on full display this day. I messaged him this as well, stating I didn’t trust him and I don’t think we could even be friends. When I sent that message I realized he blocked me on the app. Me sending the screenshot wasn’t to bust him out. I wanted an honest answer and again, he could have said it was none of my business and I wouldn’t have felt any way about it.  Maybe he thought I was being intrusive, say that. But to do the very thing you apologized for shows your lack of growth and sincerity.

The more I thought about our exchange the angrier I got. Because again, why go through all this trouble to get messages to me, communicate with me, and then turn around and show me again, you are, well you, unchanged.  I had to reach out to a couple people because I was fuming and had some thoughts and ideas that I am not proud of. He took me out of the peace I worked so hard to get to when we broke up. I let it happen so I was more upset with myself for allowing it.

 He may very well be in therapy but the entire dialog he gave me about it seemed rehearsed. I pray he does get the help he needs.

My interaction with him showed me to take things at face values. He wasn’t sent by God and God was not going to honor that relationship no matter how many times he visited my church or how many devotionals we did together. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is the same as being in an abusive relationship. It definitely affects your mental. You don’t know the trauma it leaves behind until you are on the other side of it. I didn’t realize how damaging our exchanges were on my mental health until our final exchange. I know it wasn’t me who was the problem because he said so himself and I know I did everything I could to try to make it work, even when I didn’t trust him completely.  It was his manipulation, the mind games, and selfishness. He thought spending money on me was impressive. I’m not or have I ever been that type of woman. Quality time is my love language, travel is my love language, neither of which he was willing to give.  I learned that when a man wants you, he will do whatever he can to show you and when he doesn’t you will know it and you have to accept it and move on.  

Psychological trauma from their abuse will not just go away. In fact, this type of abuse can cause long lasting post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. The abuse from a narcissist is overwhelming. It is hard to identify and sufferers tend to blame themselves and continue to suffer long after the relationship is over (found this on google but it’s facts nevertheless)

Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome

  • Always Walking On Egg Shells. As a human, you tend to avoid things that remind you of terrible things in the past. …
  • Sense of Mistrust. …
  • Self-Isolation. …
  • Loss of Self Worth. …
  • Feeling Lonely. …
  • Freezing Up. …
  • Trouble Making Decisions. …
  • Feeling Like You’ve Done Something Wrong.

I experienced five of these, some I still struggle with. Dating is not a game and we have to be careful with who we align ourselves with. I am booking a therapy session as I type this. I owe it to myself and my future babe to truly heal from this. I won’t allow this to take me back to a place I prayed my way out of. I will use the blog post to remind myself of how strong I have become and that I am in fact a overcomer. Hopeful this will encourage you to take the blinders off and see things for what they are. Still move with grace but keep your eyes open and your heart protected.

Until Next time,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2021

So I Did A Thing…

I don’t take being in my right mind during this time for granted and I will never take those who have support, encouraged, and covered me in prayer during my dark moments, even when they didn’t have the details of what was going on.

With everything that has been going on this year, the Lord has continued to keep His hand on me and my family. Throughout all the chaos and uncertainty of 2020, I managed to become a published author!!!! 🙌🏾😩🙏🏾

My book is a compilation of all my blog post, minus the grammatical errors. (😒😏) Im so excited to share this labor of love with you all. I’m being as transparent as I possibly can. But my followers here aren’t new to this. I thank you for taking this journey with me and for supporting me as I embark on the unknown. I thank God for His protection and patience with me as I find my way back to Him.

I have a website where you can stay up to date on all things transparently favored. There is a link to purchase the book on the website.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your support, especially now.

Until Next time,

Tel

About To Break

It’s refreshing to have people in your life who have no problem calling you out on your stuff, no sugar, no fluff. It was one of those friends who basically said my smile hasn’t been reaching my eyes for a while and insisted that I, instead of trying to inspire others, find what actually makes me happy and live in that. (thank you friend). One of my sisters reminded me that it’s ok to take a break and give myself some self care. With my kids being gone for the summer all I have is time but I think it’s the overwhelming pressure to be strong that has allowed me to call this season, because this won’t last always, what it is.. Depression.

There is so much going on inside me, around me that it all wants to come jumping out at the same time and I have to control it to make it make sense. Putting a title on it, exposing it for what it is; a feeling that is all too familiar, unfavorable, debilitating. My physical is good, my spiritual is being strengthen ( but I couldn’t see it before-well get back to that in a minute) and my mental, Lord, it’s all over the place. Distraction by definition is “that which divides attention or prevents concentration.” I literally have all the time into world but still so much is going on I haven’t been able to focus on just one thing. Not back to working a 9-5, yet, still working my side business as well as trying to complete my book by the end of the month. Cultivating new friendships, ( yes, even in a pandemic lol) rekindling old ones, and severing ties ( my God once and for all )with confusion, inconsistency, and unwelcome interferences.

I’m embarking on a milestone birthday and I have never felt so off kilter. Since I haven’t seen the inside of an office building courthouse ( I work in the legal field), or school in about four months, I’ve had tons of time to get used to the silence. Most of my friends and family have gone back to work, or are working from home, and I am here. With all this noise, all this purpose and hope but no outlet for the chaos that seeks to consume me on a regular. Depression may be foreign to a lot of people, but to me it is all too familiar The course of my life is nowhere near what I had envisioned for myself when I was younger. I’d laugh at you if you told me I’d be an almost forty, unemployed, divorced mother of two.

It is that narrative that I intend on breaking today. We have to be careful what we allow to rest on us. What I mean by the is the words we say, what we allow to come out of our mouths, what the enemy want’s us to believe, the mistakes and short comings he wants to amplify, are not who you are. They are apart of what makes you, you. But sis, bro, you are more than a conquer. You are not your failures and the set back is just that. As long as you have breath in your body you still have purpose. You cannot find your purpose in a man or woman, you have to seek God for it ( I’m talking to myself). Being alone has cause me to look at every relationship, every connection, and evaluate. In the evaluation I realized and accepted that some people have just been taking up space, adding no value to me or the relationship we had. Im all about being intensional. Any connection, be it brief or long term, I believe it should be one where the other person has left your presence feeling good, or at least better then when they arrived. You don’t have to know the struggle to be sympathetic. You don’t have to know the details or depth of someone’s hurt to continue to show up and check on your friends, strong or otherwise. As much as I’ve tried to hide behind positive affirmation, empty smiles, and inspiration post, it’s not enough. You can hide from the world but you have to stop running and deal with yourself.

Church was my weekly therapy session. I was actually there several times a week. It was and has been a place where I have been able to seek and find refuge and relief from the torment and anguish I keep buried. To say I have been restless these past few months is an understatement. Restless until the other night that is. Something broke. I believe it was the constant echoing that I wasn’t enough, I was a failure and would never be used by God. I felt myself slipping away. The final straw was when the old familiar darkness rested on me. I felt paralyzed and completely alone. I had been watching YouTube , nothing in particular, the white nose kept me company as I ate dinner. As soon as the first thought popped up, they all came flooding in and I began to drown in the lies that surrounded me. It was at that moment I began to cry. Too tired to fight, I began to get washed away by it. I felt myself sinking. It was at this moment that Steven Furtick’s message entitled” Lonely Places” popped up and he began to speak directly to me and my situation. The tears began to blind me. Little by little, I felt a layer of relief. Then shame for having given myself permission to be in this place. But as soon as the shame hit, a wash of worship took over. Right in my bedroom, I was on my knees, actually on my face, worshiping like I hadn’t done in what felt like forever. I realized I didn’t need to be in the church to feel relief or seek solace. I needed to turn to and hide myself in God.

My pastor has said on countless occasions, since this pandemic, that we are the church and we don’t necessarily have to be in a building to maintain our relationship with God. Yes, God inhabits the praises of His people, but what’s stopping you from praising Him right where you are now? Yes when two of more are gathered, He is in the midst of them. Turn on some worship music, a sermon, or even call a friend. If you can recount the last time you were in a place of despair and desperation, you should also be able to recall how He saved you from yourself and everyone else and is just waiting on you to ask, right now. The enemy wouldn’t be trying so hard to distract you and keep your mind on everything but your relationship with God. He knows the purpose God placed inside of you, He knows it better than you do, which is why he will continue to use old traps, horrible experiences, and memories of the things you’ve already fought your way out of to keep you bound. ( Not Today).

As I continued to worship, things started breaking off of me. I no longer felt hopeless, depressed, or alone. I have no doubt that My God showed up. He reminded me of how good He is just by being present ( whew). I’m reminded of the peace in His presence, the joy and contentment that is lingers after an encounter with him, and how when He shows up, demons have to flee (yup I went there). I know God for myself and I cannot thank Him enough for the countless times He has saved me, from my thoughts, in spite of my actions. ( His grace really is sufficient) The onset and final decent of my depression was gradual. No matter how much life was spoken to my by those who cared or weren’t afraid to let me know they see me regardless of my disposition or the front I kept trying to keep up. If you don’t believe it, believe Him for yourself, there is nothing anyone can say or do to convince you of what or who you are.

I’ve spoken enough about trusting God to not follow my own advise. Something broke, I felt it, I feel it and I thank God for it. My disposition didn’t change overnight. There were a multitude of events that took place in my life, back to back, that caused me to retreat and in return, be consumed. I know it’s an uphill battle and I’m in the fight of my life. After my last few worship experiences, I have made a conscious effort not allow the walls to close in and to talk to those I care about, those who genuinely care about me, about what’s going on internally. The enemy loves to wander in the shadows, just looking and waiting for an opening. My secret is out, and he has been exposed. I’m not ashamed. God has shown me He has me and will continue to keep me as long as I keep Him in the center of EVERYTHING. (even in my disobedience, He has still covered me) He loves me in-spite of my flaws and imperfections ( just as He does you) I know that God is the only reason I’m still here, – also to fulfill my purpose and to tell my story. I won’t allow the darkness and unknown to paralyze me anymore. I have encouraged and supported many and its time for my selfish year to take effect and to start encouraging myself. No more talk, gotta put some action behind this faith, watch me move.

If you see my stumble, which I’m sure I will, ( imperfect person here) instead of shaming me, help me up and pray for me.

Until Next Time,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2020

Tired. Part 2

There is so much going on. I don’t think I have ever cried so much in my 39 years of existence than I have in the last three months. I went from praise, to mourning; from joy to sadness. A lot of what is going on isn’t just on the surface. Of course I am heartbroken by the abundance of murders of people who look like me at the hands of those who are supposed to protect us. I am deeply sadden by the fact that a lot of people who I thought were people I could trust, did trust, have chosen to remain silent on the matter. Not that I expected a grand stance but at least some form of solidarity. This is also the month my aunt and my grandmother passed, years apart but also days apart, so there is that.

The things that are going on internally, I haven’t been able to put into words until now.

I am a woman.

I am a daughter.

I am a mother.

I am a sister.

I am a friend.

I am a girlfriend.

I am black.

I am tired

.

I’m tired of hiding my feeling when it doesn’t meet the temperature of the room. I’m tired of smiling when I really want to cry. Im tired of waiting on someone to see what an asset I am to any job or company I’m apart of. I’m tired being the one who encourages everyone , but when I’m bleeding , and actually send out an sos, no one responses. I cannot, in all honesty, say no one. While I appreciate those who hear me even when I’m silent, ( I love you to no end) I can’t help but notice the ones who don’t even look up when I make a little noise. I don’t make it a habit of opening up to people when I’m going through things, I don’t like to burden them with my problems because I know everyone has there own set of things going on, daily. So it is a big deal when I do open my mouth, not to shout, or to cry, but to talk. Once that is meet with silence, after the sting wears off, I get up, brush myself off and keep going.

I am a christian but I am also human. I don’t have to know these individuals personally to be sad about their deaths. They didn’t deserve it, we don’t deserve it. As each day passes and more news surfaces of repeated scenes, but with different names, that are now etched in my brain, I find it harder and harder to make it all make sense. its 2020 and I never thought I’d be having the same conversations with my children that my grandparents had with my parents. How? Add to that the death of loved one due to the pandemic, due to accidents, due to suicide on top of the grief we already still feel due to the transition of a loved one, unrelated to the current environment… no words…

The climate has definitely shown me who my circle is, but more importantly who I am. It has also cause me to be a little more cautious and a lot more guarded. Not because of a misunderstanding, but because the level of change that is taking place and the amount of uncertainty that has settled around me. I’m uncomfortable. And if we are being honest, borderline depressed. For no other reason than the fact that I have a black father, black son, black boyfriend, and black men that I care about ( period) who are all looked at as threats solely because of the color of their skin. I cannot protect them. I have to train my son on how to control his temper at 8. I have to make sure he develops and maintains a non threatening stance at all times, at 8. Tamir Rice was 12 playing with a toy gun and shot point blank in the abdomen, without warning. I have been effected deeply by the repeated scene of a black man or woman being killed. And it’s terrifying.

I sought solace in the distractions of small social distancing gatherings, it didn’t work. I thought engulfing myself in redecorating would help, It didn’t. I picked the best time to become an entrepreneur, because all I have is time. So my book is definitely in the works. I plan to be done with it before the end of August, strike that July ( pray my strength and hold me accountable) My kids are with their dad for the summer so now is as perfect time as any to grieve, process, and to pray. Writing has always been therapeutic for me and I pray this time is no different. I’m not opposed to therapy, I actually think I will do some research and find one here, but for now, she will write. As a matter of fact, let me go re-read some of my previous post for a bit of encouragement cause baby, I’m tapped out.

My goal is to be happy without a vice or a condition. Remember, I am a behind the scenes woman and prefer to let my work speak for itself.

no fluff, just me.

Just because a smile is there doesn’t mean there is joy. Please continue to check on your strong friends, family, co-workers, and associates. I’m all talked out at this point, but I welcome any suggestions between my now and my happy place. (Text me though, lol) The work has already begun. The support, be it public or private is acknowledged and appreciated. I’m tired of being tired so whatever needs to happen to get from under this paralysis, I’m ready.

Until Next Time,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2020

A Mother’s Love

Mother’s Day was a week ago and I haven’t been able to get those who have lost a mother or a child out of my thoughts. Sometimes we tend to take for granted the very presence of our mothers. The words or advice, the wisdom that mothers instills in us, in some instances, fall on deaf ears. It’s not until we find ourselves in situations where we are reminded of the very thing our mothers may say in passing or during a discussion. The peace she brings you by a simple hug cannot be measured. I pray the healing continues and the pain lessens as each day passes. I’m always praying for those who have suffered such a heart wrenching loss. Be it this year, last year, or many years ago, the space in your heart that was once occupied by the person you lost is never really filled. But you don’t need me to tell you, as your own experiences aren’t far from you. There remains an ache that I am familiar with. I’m sometimes caught off guard, driving, or sitting and a memory or a thought encompasses me and I’m instantly in tears. While so many people I know are dealing with the loss of loved ones, especially children and mothers, my heart remains heavy but also full of appreciate for my own mother and the women in my life who are mother figures.

I lost both my grandmothers but my parents lost their moms. Friends and family have lost family members and friends and no amount of words or condolences can take that pain away. Which makes the time we have in the presence of our loved ones so invaluable. It’s so important to recognize the people in your life now, and give them their flowers while you still can. This pandemic is reminding me/us that life is short and to honor and celebrate people we love and hold dear while we can, especially our mothers. You only get one, and if you are blessed like I am, you have some women who have accepted and love you as if they birthed you themselves. #HonorThemToo I want to thank my friends for sharing their moms with me. (sharing is caring 🥰) To be loved by someone outside of your family as if you always belonged to theirs, is definitely a blessing.

A mothers love cannot be compared. It fuel you, drives you to be great. Its comforting, healing, and sometimes demanding. It demands you to be better, encourages you to keep going, and drives you towards success. A lot of people don’t have the same experience as I have. But I pray that the love of a mother ( mother figure) rest upon you soon and very soon. I had an aunt who was admitted in the hospital for a procedure. My cousin and my aunt were not on the best of terms, before they had a chance to make amends, she was gone, due to something going wrong during the procedure. While we were all devastated, he was/is left with regret and the weight of it all follows him around to this day.

I was raised by a single mom. #Dirovced and I think she did one heck of a job ( if I do say so myself). I wanna retire my mom one day and have a house built specifically for her. Its not solely because she is my mother but because she deserves it. Outside of her giving me life, she has shown me what true strength and resilience is. She taught me never to hold grudges and to always pray, regardless of how I feel. She taught how to turn my mistakes into testimonies. I pray I’m half the mother to my children she has been to me. My grandmother was her example and she is mine. I didn’t have to share my mom with a sibling ( no only child syndrome over here lol) but I have accepted that my friends and some family also love her as if she was their own. #SoGrateful

Remember to cherish each day moving forward. Forgive yourself if you found yourself in a situation where some things were said that shouldn’t have been or you didn’t get to tell them you loved them one last time. They knew, trust me and they forgave way before the thought entered your mind.

Being happy will not dishonor those that we have lost. If anything, you know in your heart of hearts, they would want you to enjoy your life and the people in it.

Until Next Time,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2020

For I Reckon…

With everything that has been going on, getting adjusted to the “new normal” has been uncomfortable, for lack of a better word. This quarantine has been a jarring reminder to love on those who are near ( or far in distance) to you. I won’t get into the political aspect of it all. Definitely not trying to open the floor to those conversations here. I would however pose this question, How do you reconcile the death of a normally healthy loved one? How do you comfort someone who has loss there husband, wife, mother, father, or even child? I have found myself trying to find the right thing to say. My best answer has been “God knows.”

I’m a christian and my faith is definitely in God. No buts about it. However, I cannot find the right thing to say when I get a call that someone has lost their child, their child who hasn’t reached puberty, their child who recently graduated from kindergarten. How do you console someone who question the very presence of God because their grief is so strong. How?? When grief is fresh, you don’t want to hear “it’s going to be ok.” You don’t want to be remind of all the good that God has done because the pain you are experiencing in this moment is blinding. How do you comfort those who are drowning in the depth of their loss?

I have some friends who aren’t christian. They indulge me when I speak of God’s goodness. We have friendly discussions regarding God and why He allows things to happen, more specifically, why he allows them to happen to good people. Even in those conversation, me saying I don’t know why but I know who, wasn’t enough for them. And to me, it wasn’t an answer, but what I’ve been groomed and trained to say. I have seen miracles happen in person. I’ve seen God bring someone back to life. I’ve seen God take the under-qualified and give them the best paying job in the building. I’ve seen Him heal, restore, and provide. But how do you tell someone who has experienced tremendous loss in such a short time, to keep the faith, to keep going, and better days are coming? It is because of his mercies we are not consumed, it is because of his compassion we fail not. ( Lamentations 3:22) Because of who I know God to be from my own experience, having gone through my own grief, I know that He is able. God is well able to keep you from falling and will bring you with great joy into the glorious presence…( Jude 1:24). It is not just my testimony that keep me sane and remind me of His goodness while faced with sadness and loss. It is also the testimony of my family and friends.

I have no doubt that God knows what He is doing. We have to stretch our faith, now more than ever, and trust God! My last day at work was March 19th. But God has made sure that I am taken care of. All my bills are still paid, my family hasn’t missed a meal and I have still been able to pay my tithes. I know first hand what this virus can do, my son had it before we could put a name on it. He had the fever ( 103.7) , no appetite, chills while burning up, and tested negative for the actual flu. But he is healed. I’ve talked to people who have made a complete recovery from it. Yes we have lost a lot during this pandemic, we cannot afford to lose our faith. It’s honestly the only thing keeping me from loosing my mind. ( you stay in the house with two children who feel like they should eat every hour on the hour and tell me if you sanity isn’t hanging on by a thread lol)

The word “consider” is translated from the word “reckon” which appears in the KJV of this scripture. Reckon by definition means consider or regard in a specific way.

I’m praying that while we try to reconcile everything that’s happening we continue to trust God and lean more on Him than what we see or feel. (Proverbs 3:5)

Until Next Time,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2020

In This Place

Well, here we are. Its going on week two for me where I have been forced to stay inside and be confined by the four walls of my bedroom, in my house, for hours on end. This is not how I envisioned spring to go, but here we are nevertheless.

I am an introvert at heart so being inside away from the people ( yes, I meant to say “the people” ) is well within my comfort zone. Im a hugger so that part of it all is driving me nuts, I can’t even give a good ole squeeze to my kids as they don’t appreciate them as much as my friends ( lol) But being forced to stay inside puts a different type of restriction on, well life.

Instead of allowing the uncertainty of what’s going on around me to bring me down, I’ve made the decision to nurture what’s inside me in hopes to help and heal not just those who are closest to me but to reach out to those who may find discomfort, be anxious, or even close to depression during this time. Someone I know and love in hospitalized with the virus that has taken this country by storm. I have people I care deeply about who are considered essential workers who are in the thick of it and could be exposed to this virus every day. Michigan has over five thousand cases and over one hundred and thirty deaths. While this saddens me I have to continue to focus on the good and on God.

I would be lying if I were to say I haven’t had a moment or two where my doubt was louder than my faith. But when I look at my children I’m reminded of the grace of God; when I see my mother and so many others who’s testimonies have resonated with me, reassured me and are complete and total evidence of who God is and what He is capable of, I am reminded of His Mercy. ( They are new, EVERY morning..Lamentations 3:23)

The love of my family. The text and emails from friends and family near and far. It’s the support of them who love me that keep me going and help keep me sane during all of this. While fear is hovering, my faith is firmly planted in what I know to be true about the God I serve. ( Deuteronomy 31:8)

While we are in this place we have to remember that this is temporary and we cannot allow what we see to make us forget what He said. ” Romans 8:13- For I consider the suffering of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

Trust Him with the uneasiness, with the worry ,and with your fears right now. Between the news, the full hospitals, and the empty shelves in the grocery stores, you gotta know God has us all covered. That is a hard pill to swallow when the death toll continues to rise and people continue to lose family members. But know God will take care of you, even know, especially now. While in this place, continue to hold on to the truth in this verse, ” God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalms 46:1

Stay Strong, stay safe, stay inside!

Until Next Time,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2020

Exposed

This has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written.

Many years ago I was molested by a family member. ( Yes lets just rip that band aid off). A few weeks ago I came face to face with this person and complete froze in fear. I told my mother about the incident after I had my daughter. I was so young and it was such a heavy burden to carry for such a long time. After I told her I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t have any expectations of retribution when I shared this with my mom, I was just happy to not have to carry this load alone. There was a second family member who molested me while I was in the care of my grandmother for the summer when I was eleven. I didn’t have to hide that something was wrong when I returned home to my mother. As soon as I hit the door, she felt something was wrong and questioned me about it. Even though I felt ashamed, I shared with her all the details of what I endured. My mom assured me that I would never have to see this person again and I haven’t but there were still some triggers that took place after the revelation. From a song to someone on TV resembling the person, the memory of it never left me. I thought sharing these things with my mother was enough. I buried what took place in both incidents and they were all but hidden until I came face to face with my predictor a few weeks ago.

“Hey Cousin,” was how he greeted me. With no shame or regard for what my reaction would be. As soon as I heard his voice I was taken back to the moment when it all happened. I was a terrified little girl again. I don’t believe he forgot, I believe he was testing the waters to see if I remembered and what my reaction would be. I don’t remember what I said but I know I never looked up at him. My feet felt like they were encased in cement. My heart was racing and I felt light headed. I didn’t know if I should scream or run or both. I just sat there, with my kids, frozen. My mother and other family members were present. I later learned my mother watch the entire interaction from across the room ( cause of course he approached me when my mom was not in arms reach of me) and gauged from my body language what her response should be. She approached and as she approached he walked away. I cannot fathom why but I know it was by the grace of God that I was able to remain in the room after all was said and done that day.

The enemy thrives in secret and looks to dwell in the shadows of our fears. I’m sharing this because I know it needs to be exposed. I don’t expect there to be justice as the world defines it. I no longer want to be in fear of exposing what happened to me. I was a child, they were monsters. Forgiveness is imminent but I never want to see these people again.

I refused to allow what happened to me happen to my children which is why I’m so protective. I keep the lines of communication open and make sure they aren’t afraid to tell me anything, regardless of how they think it will make me feel. I’m sharing this in hopes to once and for all heal from the damage it has done. This secret debilitated me. And I rebuke any dark thought, idea, or notion that may have developed as a result of what happened to me. I’m not as strong as I thought I was but I’m well on my way and I want to help a few people get there through my transparency. If you can relate on any level, I pray you find the strength, the courage to tell someone. Its not easy but its necessary.

I’m currently seeking help from a psychologist because prayer alone won’t silence the memories. I’m no longer afraid to expose the wrong that has been done to me. I will tell anyone who will listen. Because the wrong that was done to me, since it has surfaced, will not undo all that God has brought me through. I survived, and I am currently surviving. Healing from things no one will or has ever apologized for takes strength and I pray you find it and move forward. Don’t allow the things that have happen to you keep you from experiencing life on a profound level. You are not alone, I’m taking this journey with you. We got this!

Sincerely,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2020

Cleaning House

Ain’t no revolving doors round here. If you are gone, stay gone. ✌🏾

Sorry to start the first blog of the year so harsh but it’s real, transparent, and well, me!

God is a God of second chances but I’m not!!! Let me elaborate. I had to cut some people off who were on their fifty-eleventh chance. 🤦🏾‍♀️ Enough is freaking enough. I’ve been restored as if your existence never happened. While I have retained the lesson, I’m no longer interested in a repeated cycle resulting in me being extremely exasperated and questioning my own voice. This goes for family members as well. If you can’t own your fault in anything and refuse to accept responsibility for your actions, I’m sorry love, but I have nothing but prayers for you. 🤷🏽‍♀️

As I get older, the less I care about what others think, and the more I seek peace in any environment that I allow myself to be in. If there is no peace and my discernment picks up on the negative vibe radiating from someone, I have no problem removing myself from the situation. I’ve worked too hard on myself to allow others to project their insecurities, assumptions, or doubt on me. I’ve also went through a lot to heal my heart from trauma caused by the representatives that were sent in place of the real person who I desired to get to know and form a bond/relationship with. I’m good on all the fakes and inconsistent people, give me real, all the time or:

It’s a new decade a new season if you will. And you can bet your sweet fanny I’m going to be moving differently especially since I want different. I’ve been the supportive friend, who was not supported in return. I’ve been the girlfriend who waited for the boyfriend to do right and still ended up alone in a relationship. I’ve been looked down, looked over, and cast aside. Been talked about by people who promised to have my back and said they cared. 🗣🗣🗣No more.

2020 is my selfish year. I intend on continuing to show up for those I love and care about. My heart is still big and receptive to authentic love. But I’m not interested in non reciprocal relationships on any level. I know what some of you may be thinking and yes, I’m still saved and commitment to living a life pleasing to God, however I am no longer blinded by words and I’m more impressed with actions and consistency.

God never intend for his people to be used and discarded.

Putting my faith into action and using the God given wisdom He’s given mean to propel myself into the best me possible. I’ve dealt with me ( it’s actually an on going thing) and I’m done trying to fix them. I’ll point you to God and keep it pushing. Absolutely no hard feels, negative thoughts, or hidden devious intentions. If I plan to retire in the next twenty years, make sure my mom is set, and my kids are prepared financially, spiritually, and physically, and I’m blooming and prospering I cannot hold on to anything negative.

Until Next Time,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2020

Make Room

When you ignore your beliefs and standards to make someone else comfortable you are not being true to yourself. And don’t get me started on the physical aspect of it all. By now I’m sure you all are aware of what a soul tie is…

The Power of Soul Ties. … Whether you’re a religious person or not, soul ties is a theory that canbe explained and understood by anyone. It’s the idea that certain actions can connect you to a person and cause you to bond in a way that is not easily broken. Typically, soul ties are said to come from sex.

We are all adults here right? Let me just be real, transparent if you will, for a moment. Sexual sin is the most strongest hold I’ve dealt with in my adult life. I know sex won’t save a marriage and I’m aware that sex cannot fix an already broken relationship. We as women have to protect what was meant to be shared with our husbands. We cannot keep giving it away to people who were never deserving of it. Yes, sex is natural or at least it should be, but it’s not something you just give to prove you like someone. We aren’t built to create bonds with everyone we date. We give so much already, that part of you should be non-negotiable, not even an option until marriage.

I’m not having a soap box moment I’m just giving you first hand knowledge that binding your soul with another, who is not your husband or wife, can cause more harm that good. You are tethering whatever spirits they have to yours. Not knowing their faith stance or position can and will wreck havoc on you. I know a lot of people who will lay down with anything and anyone. To some it’s like a game. But it’s not worth it sis. Once your feelings are involved is tough to remove yourself from that situation even when you know that situation isn’t going anywhere and it’s not where you wanna be. And then you wanna add your body which makes this even harder because not just words and feels are intertwined but souls.

I was at a women’s retreat one year and the speaker was all up and through my business. To the point where it was just her and I and she was reading me like a book. I had never met this woman before and she didn’t know me or anything about me. But the Holy Ghost gave her insight and the words to speak to the very thing I was dealing with. I had began to throw up. Empty stomach and a hot room filled with praying women didn’t help. 🥴 The evangelist began to say I was throwing up soul ties. Now to me, that seemed a bit extreme but metaphorically, it made sense. However, the physical act that was taking place didn’t preceed the spiritual one that had already transpired.

I had gone though a break up and I was devastated. I had tried to bury the hurt and hide the pain by quickly getting into another relationship. Only to be hurt again. I contemplated suicide. I felt something had to be wrong with me. Why wasn’t my love enough to keep them? I gave all I thought I had to give. But it was that night at the retreat that I realized I was giving my all to the wrong people.

( your value isn’t determined by someone else’s inability to see it)

We see with our natural eyes but God see’s people’s hearts and knows their intentions. God was protecting me even though it felt vastly different from protection, He kept me and saved me from myself. He reminded me that I am loved in-spite if my failures and mistakes and I cannot allow someone who failed to see the blessing it is to have me in their life to make me question my very existence ( yeah it was deep)

This is not the direction I intended this post to go but since we are here…

Lol

So media and even regular tv has sexualized just about everything. Even a dog gone commercial for food has sexual undertones which makes no since to me. The older I get the more control I have over my being. Not saying mistakes haven’t been made. I’ve definitely entrusted the wrong people with parts of me that I wish I could get back. I cannot blame them for taking it when it was so careless placed on their care. But instead of repeating the same mistakes I choose to learn the lesson this time. Remembering the moments, good, bad, or indifferent allows me to see just how far removed I actually am from any connection to the behavior, the people, the thing that tried to break me.

The desire to be loved and appreciated by one man has been strong. But the ability to love and value myself has emerged out of the ashes of self destruction. I could blame this self discovery phase on the hurt I allowed, repeatedly from those I sincerely cared about but that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is I knew who they were before and it was only after that I allowed myself to see them on their truest form.

I knew those connections would never lead to marriage. I was fooling myself into thinking I had enough salvation for the both of us. 🤦🏾‍♀️ The attention was good when it was given, but the connection was always lacking something. It was lacking God!

I desire and deserve a man who can pray. Not just the prayers in the Bible but from his heart. I think a praying man is sexy. A man who isn’t ashamed to worship with you is

Fanning myself lol

I’ve stopped looking for a man. Haven’t been looking for a few years now. I started chasing God. After a good amount of repentance and loathing, cause again- sexual sin adds more guilty than anything to your already overloaded thoughts of shame and disappointment. It could just be me who went through these stages after fornication, but it’s heavy and I’m avoiding it at all cost.

The flesh needs to be under subjection daily. Which is why it is so important to make sure you cover yourself prior to getting out of the bed. You want to ensure that anything the enemy throws at you won’t stick because you’ve prayed and you are covered. Your family is covered, your friends are covers.

I have learned that you can’t be everything to everyone and no matter how much potential or how many years you invested into a relationship, until you see that person for who and what they truly are, you will continue to sink and be burden by the facade of deception that you refuse to accept.

This song by Jonathan McReynolds has been my anthem for 2019. I’ve had to sever some ties to people who were only place holders and counterfeits for what I actually wanted and deserved. I held on for too long and the scars I have now, are reminders to let go and allow God the room He needs to answer my prayers according to His timing.

This post was unexpected and took several turns but I pray you get the underlying sincere sentiment.

Make room for God! Allow Him to align you with your forever. Forever friend, forever peace, forever joy, forever love.

Lyrics to Make Room

I find space for what I treasure
I make time for what I want
I choose my priorities and
Jesus you’re my number oneSo I will make room for you
I will prepare for two
So you don’t feel that you
Can’t live here, please live in meI find space for what I treasure
I make time for what I want
I choose my priorities and
Jesus you’re my number one
Yes Jesus you’re my numberSo I will make room for you
I will prepare for two
So you don’t feel that you
Can’t live here, please live in meI will make room for you
I will prepare for two
So you don’t feel that you
Can’t live here, please live in meI will make room for you
I will prepare for two
So you don’t feel that you
Can’t live here, please live in meLive in me yeah
Please live in me God
I will make room for youMy will (you can move that over)
My way (you can move that over)
My ego (you can move that over)
My plans (you can move that over)
My schedule (you can move that over)
My itinerary (you can move that over)
See I, I will make room for youMy habits (you can move that over)
My attitude (you can move that over)
Whatever it is (you can move that over)
That’s not like you (you can move that over)
Whatever it is (you can move that over)
You can move it over (you can move that over)
Oh see I will make room yeaWhatever it is (you can move that over)
That’s in your way (you can move that over)
Whatever it is (you can move that over)
If it takes your space (you can move that over)
See whatever it is (you can move that over)
Oh I don’t want it there (you can move that over)
Oh see I will make roomI wanna seek you first (you can move that over)
Get the odd things out the way (you can move that over)
I wanna seek you first (you can move that over)
Move it all out the way (you can move that over)
See whatever it is (you can move that over)
Lord I just want you (you can move that over)
Oh so I will make room yeaSee whatever it is (you can move that over)
You can move it all (you can move that over)
Please just move it all (you can move that over)
Help me move it all (you can move that over)
Jesus I (you can move that over)
I just want you know (you can move that over)
That I will make roomI find space for what I treasure
I make time for what I want
I choose my priorities and
Jesus you’re my number one

Until next year,

Tel

Copyright © Transparently Favored 2019