Let’s get this out of the way first..
Again…… I have no excuses. My kids went on vacation and I did as well. Mamma gotta have a life too right? I cant promise that the break will be the last one as we all know life happens and it sometimes calls for your undivided attention.
While I have your attention lets get back to it shall well..
I have had a ton of deaths over the course of the past four years. Most recently, another aunt has passed away from cancer
With this most recent loss, I found myself angry with God. Yes, angry with GOD. I have learned to own how I feel and be honest about it instead of burying it and allowing the root of whatever it is to remain unaddressed or unresolved. Un-resolve hasn’t worked for me in the past and I refuse to make it apart of my present and stunt my growth. My sister says I always need closure. In a way, that remains true, but I no longer seek it from the person. I find the resolve within myself.
With this onset of grief I found myself reflecting on the people that I’ve lost. Which made me sad and more angry. I have heard testimony regarding God healing people from the very disease that took the lives of my loved one. I know of people who’s minds were healed because of God’s grace. So why did these miracles, these healings, evade my family? It was a dark place. From the news of her passing to the funeral, it was all bad. My anger intensified when I went to church only to hear more testimony of God healing someone from one infirmity or another. I knew I was insubordinate when I wasn’t able or willing to lift my hands or didn’t want to be involved with the service in any capacity ( other than me working in my department- I’m apart of the AV department and my attention to detail is required) . I was able to mask it and do my job accordingly, but I knew I couldn’t allow what I was feeling to erase what and who I know God to be.
I reached out to my mom, who was also grieving this loss. I asked her to pray for me because I was angry with God. As I texted her, the scripture, “Be angry but sin not…Ephesians 4:26” came to mind. I wasn’t self destructive but I know if I allowed the darkness to linger, it was only a matter of time before I acted out. My mom’s response was, “be angry with the devil, he is the enemy.” After confirming she would pray for me, she called, as she often does, and we talked for a while. She has some good things to say, all of which I already knew but I wasn’t ready to let my anger subside. The sting of death was still so fresh and the pain of the loss was so prominent, all I could do was cry. It wasn’t until a few days after, while I was watching a sermon by Michael Todd entitled, “Maybe Faith” that the ice had started to melt around my heart. He said something I will never forget. He said “you asked for healing and a loved one died. You forget, they are healed, just on the other side (in heaven) .” That broke me down. Right were I stood, I had to give Him praise. My loves were no longer in pain and that’s the best miracle I could ask for for them. My aunt was tired, as was my grandfather, grandmother, and other aunt. To be absent from the body, it be present with the Lord. I was also reminded of all the things God has already saved me from, including myself and I cried even harder.
I have since redirected my anger and placed it where it belongs. The enemy uses what we know about ourselves against us at times. If we give him an inch he will certainly take a mile. Even when you are hurt, especially when you are hurting, he can and will use your hurt to make you question all you know to be true. I read a quote the other day, ” Consider how precious a soul must be, when both God and the devil are after it.” It reminds me of the war that was going on within myself during my grief. I know the word, I know the right things to do, but while my heart was broken I didn’t want to hear how good God was or has been. I didn’t care to be reminded about where He brought me from. This on top of every other thing that I have to contend with on a daily basis, it’s enough to bring anyone to there knees. And that is where I ended up and found my peace.
Because of the amount of sadness, grief, and hurt I have endured, I am certain that the joy that is coming is going to make it all worth it. There will be “congratulations” that replace “I’m sorry for your loss.” There will be smiles and tear of joy, instead of tears of mourning. I’m excited about whats to come and I thank God for not turning away from me when I questioned Him, in my anger.
Life can get the best of you sometimes to the point that you don’t know if you are coming or going, but in all the busyness we have to remember to redirect our frustration, anger, and hurt into something that will heal and not hurt, build and not break, and comfort and not conceal. I’m still learning lessons daily, I pray I never get pompous and forget how to humble myself in prayer.
Until Next Time,
P.S. I just want to thank the 6 people ( lol) who still follow me and have continue to support me. I promise not to disappear without good reason. My story is still being written, and I still have so much to share. Always remember to live through it and love on those who you hold dear. Never miss an opportunity to tell someone how you feel about them. Don’t let them leave this earth without knowing which out a shadow of doubt how much they mean to you. I promise it makes all the difference in knowing as opposed to guessing.
Still hoping and praying that my not some pleasant days, my struggles as well as my successes encourages someone.
This is just the beginning.. New chapters coming soon.
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